This has been my busiest weekend for the month so far, but I can tell that it is just about to get worse. Already my mother is nagging me to death as to how to do my job. It is horrible. It feels like living with my boss; this really bothers me a lot. She won't stop yelling at me through my door. I don't want to open it. Damnit, I'm an adult now and she talks to me like a child. She is too controlling, it's driving me insane. She doesn't trust my father at all. Yesterday she got in an argument with my father at the computer fair in Los Angeles. All my father wanted to do was buy my little brother a laptop for Christmas, but she was too obsessed about how he only wants a new computer to use so that he could cheat on her with women in the Philippines. She is getting her old lies mixed up with her new lies, thus her arguments don't make any sense anymore. My mother is rarely happy anymore unless she is able to manipulate and control someone.
I feel bad for my father now. It's strange to say this, but I actually trust him more than I trust my mother. I can still remember the time I saw on my mother's Nextel, "I love you." That was on her work phone from a number that did not match up with anyone in my family. I'll never forget seeing that because it is a hurtful memory. It hurts having legitimate reasons to be suspicious about my mother. I know Jennifer understands what I mean, there is fear. It is painful fear. The kind of pain that strikes your mind with paranoia that you cannot control your tears. The world spins as you try to endure your reality. All of her fears of being cheated on could have just led my mother to do that very thing to my father. This holiday season feels like there will be cans of worms opened up. Some have been opened already, but I am cautious for the ones that will be most horrible soon to come. I wish I could be optimistic, but sometimes being optimistic is just denying one's own real circumstances.
Well, I sure hope Jennifer's voice is getting better. Yesterday night she could only whisper to me. I've never heard her like this before, so I'm praying that she feels better soon. Her doctor said she had something called Sayonitis, or something like that. I accidently called it Sayonara and she thought that was cute. Haha, but still, she has the infection and so the antibiotics that she is using probably knocked her out again tonight. If she doesn't answer my calls then that is alright.
At this moment I'm a bit nervious. There are a lot of things that I have to prepare for. First and foremost, I have to tell my parents that I am going to be leaving on the 26th to see Jennifer. The problem with this is that my sister is arriving on either the 19th or 20th, and she wants to go to places like Disneyland and K1 Speed... so she needs to have my mother's approval for when we can do this as a family within the week that we'll all be together. So... I need to take care of that, and most likely my mother is going to be pissed. I don't care, but I do anyways. I don't want to care, but still I feel like it would be my fault if something horrible were to happen to my mother. She blamed me for my grandmother's death, and she's blaming me for her problems, so I already feel the burden.
Also, I have to clean my room before my sister gets here. Just looking at my room right now... ehh, that's going to take me a very long.. time to accomplish.
Next I have to study for my Philosophy Final. I've been busy all this week and so I have never been able to study for it. I am sure that I can do well with what I know now, but I need to be sure.
Plus there is my Art History Final. I'm equally worried about that because I honestly do not know what is going to be on that test. I also don't know if my group finished the essay that was supposed to be 5 pages. They never check their emails and so I am always left in the blue as to what the hell they're doing. I'm trusting that they'll get the job done. I know I finished the work that I needed to do, I hope the same for them.
Also there is signing up for my classes for next semester. I don't know what is going to work with my schedule for next year. Maybe I'll stick with the job I have now, but if I decide to work at Scripps, I may have to rethink my entire schedule. That in itself is going to be nearly impossible to predict and sort out. I am really thinking about sticking with DXL.
Sheesh.... grownups weren't kidding when they said that when you get older, you'll have things to worry about. There is so much stuff that I need to take care of still. Don't get me wrong, I love being the adult that I am since I know the things that I know now, plus I am love with my sweetheart, so I know that this is just part of the life that I have to face. I know that there will always be an obstacle ahead of me. It is what I do to get through that determines whether I finish on top or far below.
I love you Jennifer Lynne, and for those who so choose to read this, goodnight and take care.
Thank you.
+Bloodys Corpse+ Community Member 
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