When I try to think about something else, I can't take my mind off of her. My heart is still there for her, I can feel it. Saying goodbye was so painful I nearly ran out of the tissues that she gave me when we first met face to face. I wish there was a way to make this work for us, I pray everyday within my heart that I may find the answer to that. But after a couple years now, I could feel that she is farther from me than when we first started. The only thing that grew was the love that we had for eachother.
I wish there was a way for me to be with her, she was my dream girl and so I don't know how I can sleep anymore.
I think I am suspended from work now because I was so disoriented this morning that I called in sick 2 hours into the shift. I woke up this morning knowing I was missing someone in my life, someone that was always there for me in mind.
I think about what I have just done, whether it was the right thing to do. I can remember all the good times we had together, but then I realize that I can remember them all because I was only there with her physically for so little of our entire relationship.
I remember now the time when we drove to Birmingham together to go to a museum, how we looked at all the interesting artwork together as we held hands. I remember it all like it was just yesterday. Afterwards I drove her car for her going back to the hotel, and I remember how we tried to look for a Dairy Queen and getting off the wrong exit and asking for directions. I remember when we did find it, there was the old couple in the Dairy Queen and I remember saying that was going to be us one day.
There so much feeling that I feel when I think about all the times we been together. I remember when we danced in that hotel room the time before when I first visited her. That was around the time when we recorded the Thumb War movie. I remember Vadim, the janitor, I remember all the funny remarks we made impersonating him. I remember the way she laughed when I would blow into her ear.
I wish all of these memories were something I could experience every day, not just once or twice in an entire year.
I gave loving her my best shot, and if there was a way I could marry her today, I would do so in a heartbeat. But how can we? It was up to her for so long about all of these things, and so because I was not able to get through with her completely, I have no choice but to let go.
But I don't blame her, she has her life that she needs to put together just like me and everyone else. Jennifer was the sweetest, most interesting person to ever be with. She is very independent, hard working, and a real good person to trust.
I'm still thinking about if I'll ever see her again. If I do I don't think I'll ever let her get away from me.
I can't sit still, and my head is still aching. I feel like a real serious shithead right now. Maybe I moved too fast in the wrong direction. Maybe I'm just hallucinating too much and can't truly understand the full extent of what just happened. Right now I feel like I'd rather be dead than to feel this heartbreak.
I feel like fate is something that is coming to my life regardless of what I decide to do, however before I can truly experience fate I must be crushed first.
I can't stop breaking into tears.
Please God,
I know you are listening to me speak. Help me to find the answers very soon because I'm losing the most important person in my life. Please God, I don't know how to be right in the mind anymore. I need something to put me together and hold me there in place. I need an answer to all of this mess.
+Bloodys Corpse+ Community Member 
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