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my dad left for ohio on sunday. and so my mom has just been taking care of me and my little sister..... [[shes only a year younger]] when mom is in charge that emans that we can do whatever. its so fun. and since its break we get to do even more things. its just great. i have been spending every day with my lover paul. and it has been wonderful. we have just been hanging out. its so much fun..... i love him so much. lets break down every day since my dad has been gone.... sunday he is usualy the man that teaches youth group, but he had to get ready to leave on the plane. so we had the orgonizer lady come and teach us. that was eh... pauls mom stoped by to give him a cell phone. w00t! she got him verizon... so we can talk 24/7 awesome! anyway... so after church we rode our bikes to my place. and my mom and dad were leaving. and so we just went to my room *wink* that was fun. after that we had to go back to church for a rehersal for the xmas play. we play a couple all about xmas presents..... that was only lyk an hour and then we came back home. we went to go get some vegies @ henrys and walk the dogs @ the same time. that was kinda boring. and then we came back and ate dinner. and we played magic and stuff. and then he went home.... MEGA AWESOME SUNDAY!!!!!!! ok then monday...... paul came over agian and we kinda just hung out after seeing twilight... it was an ok movie.... better cuz he was there. even though we kinda had a fight during the movie. then he went home. MEGA AWESOME MONDAY!!!!!!! k then.... tuesday happened... i did get to his house until 5 ish... cuz i had a dr. appointment... that made me mad... cuz it was a 3:15 appointment... there is no reason it should have taken that long. anyway.... when i got to his house... we messed around in his bed for a while. and we had a lot of fun... iw as there for 5 hours... and there was a lot of thouching going on... and heavy breathing... if u get what im talking about. and sadly... i said yes to no protection.and we had to do it many times in that 5 hours.... im so stupid. anyway. the night ended well... with us not thinking about what we did. well, he wasnt. i was... and trying to get that morning after pill. i asked my sisters hecka old bf to get it. cuz hes over 18. im not sure if he can get it for me. i really hope he can. cuz a baby is not on my xmas wish list. i really love paul. and i really want him to be happy, and i think that got in the way of whats best for me. he doenst have to deal with all this pregnacy stuff.... its all ok for him. all he does is get the pleasure of his evil little future babys.... y does making some one pregnant have to feel good? the best feeling ever is when it first goes in. the very first push. and its always so deep. pure bliss. i have never felt anything so good. and i guess... last night he didnt either. he was a good boy about it though. he pulled out... but there is always the pre... well... u know. and that is what im worried about. i spent some time looking it up on the comp. seeing if it is possible to get pregnant from that. and it said if he goes pee first its usualy just pee.... and not future babys..... but one of the times last night it was and hour after he squirted. so there was probably some in there. and im sure it had no trouble making its way to where it wants to be... he was pushing on my wall a lot.... so...... ugh. i dont know y i said yes. i knew something lyk this would happen. and we both know its not safe. he said it was the best though, and that he could feel everything. he said it felt really good. was it worth it? will i be able to get through this? what if my sisters bf cant get the pill... and what if i become pregnant? will i have to have an abortion? i dont want a baby. and i dont want any of this. i should use that squishy thing in my head. and look past pleasure. this pain completly blankets the pleasure of last night, i know life will go on no matter what happens. i just hope for the best. that would suck for my dad to come home " sweatdrop oh hey dad... im pregnant!" *sigh* what have i gotten my self into this time? i mean... i have done some really stupid things. and i have been caught doing osme of those stupid things.. but this has got to take the cake. i cant even make it sound good and say that the protection broke. cuz there was none. all that was involved [[other than our bodys]] was some lotion... doesnt lotion obsorb oxygen? and doesnt oxygen kill those lil babys? eh.... i gues thats some wild hope. oh... and so today is wednesday... and my mom is having a friend over for lunch. and guess what her friend does on her spare time? she works for planned parent hood. just the people i need right now.... but i cant tell her. i really hope that my sisters bf comes through.... i need this. i need to be ok. i need to learn. and i need to stop being so damn stupid. what is my problem? i mean.... we used protection on suday. i could have just said no. paul respects that word. and he wouldnt have pushed it... but i didnt even question it. if i remeber correctly i was the one that pulled it out and he was the one that said to think about it. though... it wasnt lyk it was rape or anything. one of us @ any time could have said something. but we didnt. we were to into the feeling. and just... damn im stupid. o well. if any religious person is reading this... please pray for me. as u can tell... i really need. it. heart
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