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General Winter has never been kind to me, so I'm not surprised I can barely move. Every inch of my body becomes a trip to my museum of injury as I'm reminded of all the terrible mistakes I've made along the way to give me the pain that I live with now. My legs, over developed and abused from running too far too fast every day as a child. My ribs, taking too many hits when I should have moved laterally. My arms, having been locked and contorted every which way imaginable for the purpose of causing incompasitating pain. My back, and abused target when I've rolled my face away from an offensive. Everything wrong with me is my fault for not making the proper choice, so I accept what I have to live with, but jeezy creezy does it hurt! >.<;;

The most effective way to avoid my seasonal pain is to stay active and warm up constantly. I haven't been doing that during my depressed days, so it feels like I'm pretty S.O.L until spring. And even if I could grit it out, I feel like a hopeless case after the events that led up to now. I just wish I could feel better somewhere so that I won't defeat myself constantly when I want to crawl away from my sleeping spot.

Speaking of sleeping spots, I was riddled with nightmares last night. The typical kind that have been happening these days, so I can't exactly speak about them. Not here at least. I ill say that they make me feel completely alone, and that scares me. I enjoy training in solitude, but feeling like I'll never have anyone that will understand me really hurts big time. It always feels like someone else is loved in my life, and even when someone says it, they turn around and make it seem like a lie. I don't need much, but it's also somehow too much to ask of someone. I've been thinking a whole lot about compromises that I can deal with, and am actually curious about in the least, but that thought also scares me because it feels like I'm whoring myself out just so someone will say they love me. I really need to figure out what really is important in life.

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice... My chest has been hurting up a storm. >.< *croaks* Oddly enough, I've found someone with similar phantom pains--which brings the list of people to understand that I'm not faking to about three or four. I wonder what it really is, and whether it's the same issue among us. My guess is dislodged cartilage between my ribs, because that would make a whole lot of sense for me, but I don't know about the others. Hopefully it's nothing serious for them, but then again, I've been living with it for about twenty years, so I doubt either I, or them, are going to die from it. Usually I link it to sleep deprivation and depression, so that does worry me that I've got a weak ticker... I try not to worry about it though.

I've applied to the Borders just a few miles away, because they posted a sign out front. Hopefully I can get hired on there despite what I am... I would sure like to spend an eight of my monthly paycheck on books in the near future... ^_^ Aside from that, my last relationship and school term depleted my bank account quite sadly, so I'm hoping to build up a savings again and start on the Independence Fund so I can get out of my mother's hair sooner rather than later--I don't like being a mooch... >.<

I have no idea what I'm doing today, but hopefully I'll do something active... I might run down to the shops to check out games (that I can't afford) and other such fun things at the craft store (that I also can't afford...). Before any of it though I should probably catch a shave and a shower, and maybe work out a bit so I'm nice and warm and not stiff for the bike ride in this weather. Then again, I just loaded up on Manga recently, so I might as well stay in and read those along with the other books I've set on hold. Odin knows I'm dying to curl up in blankets to read during this temperature... razz