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Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote in here. Not that I haven't wanted to, I just don't have the time. or when I do have the time, I don't have the privacy. Well, there's been something I've been wanting to write about for a long time now, but I haven't had a chance. I have so many different thoughts about the subject, I just hope I can get them down in an at least semi-organized way. I hope when I get this down on (electronic) paper, maybe I'll start to fell better about it.

So, this whole thing with the guy I like finally came to an end in one heart-crushing day. This happened many months ago now, so I don't remember in full detail how everything happened, but it still hurts when I think about it. It started with my best friend writing a note to me that said something about the guy I like in in. Her sister (who is in the same grade as the guy I like) came over and asked my friend about the note, so my friend showed it to her. First, that kind of pissed me off. Even though it was her sister, she shouldn't have showed the note to her since it contained private info about me, because I didn't want her to see it. She should have been considerate enough to not have shown it to her sister. I would have liked to have said something bitchy to her about it, but I just let it go. I guess in the long run it wasn't worth being pissed about. Since her sister now knew who I liked, she said something to her boyfriend about it. her boyfriend just so happens to be friends with the guy I like ( gonk ). So, her sisiter relays what her boyfriend says to her about te situation to my friend. Then, a few hours later at lunch, my friend informs me that he sister seen the note, talked to her boyfriend, etc. At first I was just like "oh," kind of mad, but not really thinking much of it. Then it hit me...since the guy I like friend now knows, maybe he said something to her sister as to what he (the guy I like) thinks about me. So I told her to ask her sister about it. She didn't respond right away, but thenn said "ok," and kind of looked away. That didn't sit right with me, so I asked her if something was already said. She kind of got this look in her eye and said "Nooo" in a weird way. I can tell when she's lying and this was defintly a lie. I was like "Oh, so something was already said. What was it?" By this time my heart was starting to pound. She was quiet for a minute, but then replied "Are you sure you want to know?" My heart sank. But, I still wanted to know with all the fiber in my being. She then preceded to tell me that they guy I like and all his friends could blatantly tell that I liked him, and they kept mockingly telling him to go ask me out. But of course, we was like "NO!" I was probably more like "EWWWWW, NO!" So this whole time I was making a complete a** of myself and his friends were making fun of him because I liked him, and I'm sure they were making fun of me as well. She also told me that he liked his so called "best friend." I had even asked him if he liked her before, but he denied it. I was stupid enough to believe that too. That whole situation was one of the most embarrassing things that has happened to me. Needless to say, I felt like I could cry. My friend could tell I was upset because I got really quiet and I'm sure I had a look on my face. She did appologize, but then I was still mad at her for another reason. She wasn't going to tell me what they said! Sure, it was painfull, but I still wanted, and had the right, to know. I know she was only trying to spare my feelings, but when I came right out and asked her, she lied and said they hadn't said anything. That really pissed me off too, but once again I didn't let her know.

Then, as if that didn't make the day bad enough, more s**t happened. I was in a class where I sat at a table with three other girls, two being my friends, one just an aquaintence, but a friend to the other two girls. I didn't really have any problem with the other girl up until that point, but I didn't really care for her because she wasn't very bright at all. I know that sounds mean, but you could never have an intelligent conversation with her. In fact, the only conversation you might be able to have with her would be about boys rolleyes . Anyways, the four of us were talking something about things that rarely happen. I can't hardly remember what was said at all, but then that stupid girl said "That hardly ever happens, Just like [me] dating boys." At first I just sat there dumbstruck. What she said came completely out of the blue and cut deeper than I would have imagined. After I got over the initail shock and wave of hurt, I just shyly smiled and lightly uttered a nervouse giggle, as if to say "Ha ha, nice joke." What I would have liked to do is jump across the table and slap her out of her chair! I know it wasn't meant to be melicious, probably just a joke, but oh did it hurt. Especially considering the events that had already taken place that day. It was like the perfect salting to my wounds. But there was no way she could have know how sensitive that subject is with me. It's not my fault or my wish that I haven't had a date in three years now crying . When I think about it more though, it shouldn't have surprised me that she was too stupid to think that the words she says could hurt others. To put it mildly, I felt like crap the rest of the day. The only thing that helped to save it was the fact that I was going to a Coheed and Cambria concert that night. But even with that, that day still felt tainted.

In a way, this whole situation was my fault though. For starters, I let myself, even though it was accidentally, start to like him. I let him get in my head. I've never let a guy, even past boyfriends, get in my head as much as I let him. Just the hought of him made my heart beat faster, and sadly, still kind of does. I even had dreams about him. In one vivid dream I had, I climbed a hill to go listen to music with him. When I climbed the hill, we sat, and then he kissed me. But I could actually feel his lips on mine, it wasn't like I was just looking at it, like in most dreams. It actually woke me up. Ha, how ironic. I kiss that man of my dreams in my sleep, only to wake up and be slapped across the face by the cold hand of reality. I'm kind of embarressed to admit it, but even now, after all this time has passed, I still dream about him. Actually, I had a dream about him last night. I think that's what got me thinking about it again and prompted me to finally write about what happened. I was also an idiot for not seeing that he liked his friend. I'm usually not that disregarding about my observastions, but I think I didn't want to see the way he looked at her and talked about her. I also shouldn't have believed him when he told me he didn't like her. I was just easier for me to believe and it gave me hope I still had a fighting chance. Anyways, after I found out he didn't like me, I just wanted to aviod him. Seeing hoim and talking to him would have been to painfull. I was friendly though. I talked to him when he talked to me, but after the first semester and we didn't have classes together, he stop talking to me altogether. Part of me, the bigger part, was relieved, but the other part of me was saddened. I still don't know why he stoped talking to me. Maybe he got wind of how hurt I was and the fact that I didn't want to talk to him anymore, so he distanced himself. At least now I won't have to worry about it anymore, because he graduated. I'll probably never see him again, but it's probably for the better.

That's all for now I guess, unless I think of something later. Even writing about this now still makes my heart feel like a brick in my chest...