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Three months. That's how long Rupert was gone. That's how long I remained faithful despite the gnawing reality of everyone telling me Rupert wouldn't be coming back. Well they were wrong. He did. And now things are... no less complicated than before, but it doesn't matter, because he's back. I don't want to know what happens... the less I know, the better. Rupert came home and he looked horrid. Bad. Andreas really hurt him, and I only know the half of it, I'm sure. But seeing Mitchell and how he has hurt me in the past has given me a glance into what Rupert had to go through, both in the past and in these last three months. Andreas won't be bothering us again. Rupert's promised me that, and I believe him, and I ask no questions. Having Rupert back is all that matters, that he's safe. I can take care of him now, and we can continue on with our lives.

Though a couple days ago I wouldnt' have been able to say that. I was... have been unable to break out of this depression I've been in for more than 4 months now. I tried to pretend that nothing was wrong after Rupert came back, for his sake, until he was healed and we could be sure we were safe from Andreas. But one morning in the kitchen we had what could easily be called our first fight since we've been together. Though, thinking back on it, it's hardly a fight. It was mostly me having a lovely breakdown in the kitchen while Rupert did his best to assure me that yes, he loved me, and no, he would never never never leave again as long as he lived. Even though I don't know if he can honestly keep that promise. Mitchell is... far from gone, and we both know that. But I finally broke down and couldn't pretend that I could just keep on living like this, pretending that everything was normal, that I was... happy. Because I'm not. Rupert being gone was worse than the months on end that Mitchell was in his place. At least then I could look after him... or some part of him. But when he dissapeared, I died inside. I told him I don't think I could live through that again. I feel bad now, goign off on him the way I did, but... it needed to be done.

Rupert also got me to admit something that I haven't even been able to admit to myself. the fact that I'm sick... that I need help. That I'm scared. I have a problem... heh, that's an understatement. Aside from teh depression, which I know I need serious help for, I admitted for the first time outloud that I have an eating problem. And Rupert was supportive, always so supportive. Soemtimes I think he's the only thing keeping me going right now. But even once I admitted it... it's so easy, so so easy to slip back into denial. When I'm in the fest, or even around Rupert, it's so easy to pretend that I'm in control of my life nad not spinning out of control. A few days ago Chai got very angry with me because he confronted me about my weight loss and I... denied it. I don't know why. Chai is my best friend, he knows me better than I know myself, and it's useless lying to him about everything being fine when he and I both know it's not. I'm afraid I really hurt him trying to convince us both that I was perfectly fine. I don't know what came over me, I trust him more than anyone except for Rupert, and yet I still got terrified beyond belief and immediately went into denial mode. I don't know what I'm afraid of any more, because I don't know how anything could get any worse. At this rate, I'm headed towards... rock bottom, as far as I can tell. Maybe I've already hit it, though I doubt that.

The nightmares are getting worse again. And yet it's easy to pretend that all's well. To wear the mask of being happy and perky as people expect me too. Sometimes I convince myself that nothings wrong too, to keep people away, from seeing too deep. I don't wnat them seeing the real me, how broken I've become. I don't want to drag them into something that is more trouble than it's worth. As my life spirals out of control, it gets easier to pretend that things are normal than to admit otherwise, even if you've done so before. I just keep slipping.

Could this journal be more sappy or angsty or depresing? Sometimes I wonder if I should delete this journal, in case someone finds it, reads it, discovers how truly ******** up I am. But then I realise how theraputic this journal has been, just like Dr. Clayton promised. Damn doctors, always proving themselves right. I've got to go back to her soon for therapy, if I can bring myself to contact her. Because i know she'll have to direct me to getting more help... how in God's name will we ever pay for all this? I may have to drop out of school afterall, if only temporarily, until I can get a handle on life.

And yet... there are good things too. Little things. I have amazing friends in the fest that let me escape from my own mind for a little, that I know do care for me, and look out for me. while Rupert and I are spending more time together now that he's back, tryign to regain some sense of normalcy that's been stolen from us. Cuddles on the couch, candlelight dinners, bedroom whispers, walks in the park. Our one-year anniversary as a couple is coming this April, and I've bought him a ring that matches the one he gave me when he proposed. Rupert's been through hell and back too, and we've stuck by eachother. I know he's always there for me. Funny... while my own world spins completely out of control, there's always Rupert, who I know loves me unconditionally, like a live preserver to cling to while the rest of me goes under. He's what's worth living for, the one thing that keeps me going through the day. I love him more than life itself.

God, I'm so tired. Sometimes I wonder how much Ryan there is left in this body. I'll have been 20 years old for a little more than 2 months now. I feel too tired to be 20. Sometimes I think it'd be easier if it just ended... Three months that I very nearly didn't get through, but I'm trying to take life one step at a time. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and a hundred steps backwards, but Rupert's a reason for me to keep struggling forward, supporting me every step of the way. Rupert's back, and I've got to focus on him too, protect and take care of him. I'm never letting him go as long as I live. And so I've got to keep figthing, even if I lose complete faith sometimes. I may lose the fight, but at least I know I tried. Things may get a lot, lot worse before they get better, but I have to hold on to some distant hope that they will. Rupert came back, after all, didn't he? I look at Rupert and at least I know there's someone who loves me, and so I put one foot in front of the other, and end this entry on a positive note.