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Dairoshi found me studying in the theater yesterday, which, as you can imagine, did not lead to good things. He seems to have resorted to childish taunting. Which I'm ashamed to say that I succomb to each and every time. Because, whatever Hasami says, I am weak. Dairoshi knows exactly where each blow will do the most damage. He continues to pick at Rupert and use Mitchell against me... I try to stand up to him, Ireally do. He makes me so angry, but somehow this has lead to only more problems. Dairoshi seems to enjoy the fact taht I fight back. Like... some kind of sick pleasure. I... compeltely snapped and hit him the other day when he continued to pound into me about Mitchell and insulting Rupert and... God. I hate physical violence. Mitchell has used it against me too many times... but I couldn't help it. And when I did hit him, he enjoyed it. Said we'd "do it again soon." He wants to break me, I can just see it in his eyes. He knows Mitchell has left me... weak. He knows how to kill me inside, he knows that I'm already only hanging on by a thread. This isn't even Dairoshi anymore, there is NOTHING left in that monster that I recognise.

And then I learned some things about Hasami that... God. How do I get mixed up in these things? She's... dangerous... I'm afraid that I'm going to loose one of them. Dairoshi has hurt her, far more than he has me, and I think I just make her feel guilty for... doing what she does. I just don't understand this world. Killing and all this pain. I'm niave, I'm ignorant, call me what you want. I'm used to the names. But I'm also afraid. Dairoshi is getting dangerous, and I think his new game with me is terrfying. I'm supposed to trust Hasami, worry about her, and choose between her and Daiorshi. She says I make her want to become a better person... which doesn't change the fact that I make friends with people who I can never understand. I can't talk to anyone anymore because... well, Dairoshi was the "Best Friend Unit" and he's not really available anymore, is he? more like part of the problem. And Rupert... Gods, I KNOW he wants me to talk to him, but I can't... I'm hurting him either way, and I think I'd rather do it by not letting him know just how ******** up I really am. Because I love him so damn much.

Having Rupert all to myself this whole week with no Mitchell has been helping a little, the phsyical closeness an excuse not to talk. Not that I don't think Rupert realises it, but I can't even sort out my own feeligns right now. What would my parents think of me, if they saw me now? The situation... the situations I'm in? I just hope... safety for Hasami. That Dairoshi will one day return to me, that Mitchell will dissapear. That I can fall asleep without fear of the next day.