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I Had A Dream Last Night.
but before i say that, i need to say this.
i'm here, in Georgia with my dad, stepmom, and two brothers becuase my mom kind of forced me to. She remarried, and her husband i hat--i have very very strong dislikes towards. Mainly becasue i don't get it. Why would she need another husband? She was doing just fine with the three of us. So fine that i didn't even feel it coming. And with big stuff like that, i do usually feel it.
it was just so random. on a thursday, i walked into the kitchen for a drink, and saw her stirring spagetti noodles, reached for a cup in the cabniet, filled it with water and she goes "i'm getting married saturday."
point balnk, right there, and she doesn't even look at me while she says it, like it's so freaking unimportant that she makes nonchalant look...so...nonchalant.
and i met him the next day, while i was on my bed listenenig to music.
he leaned in my room (i didn't have a door, and to this day i don't know why not. it wasn't like i was bad or untrusted or something.)
and he just waves at me and says hi, with that stupid grin on his face.
and then i really got to know him. by little things first, like the way he buys candy and snack cakes for himself, knowing my brothers can see it, knowing that they'll want some. and the way he wakes me up out of my sleep with that retched coghing/gargling/snorting/flat out irritating unnessary noise. and then there's the big things.
the way he treats my brothers, like they're his slaves or servants or something. for crying out loud, they're five and three years old! he's old, but he has legs that work perfectly fine!
i could go on forever.
but i was so upset with my mother that everytime they got into some little argument i wished it would turn into a fight, and if it did (less times than i had wanted it to, of course) i wished it would get big and maybe they would get a devorce. i now i'm selfish, but i just hat- i mean i just really really really didn't like him at all.
and i wished that she could've just stayed with my first stepdad.
i really loved him. he really was like a father, and he knew how to be one. (unlike her new husband)
he fathered my three and five year old brothers i told you about.
HE did.
and they loved him too. so why did they have to get a divorce? why would he marry him, of all people, of all choices?
what good would that do us? what good would that do his sons?
and i was thinking of this reluctantly as i went to bed last night. and i had a dream.
i had a dream, that instead of marrying HIM, she stayed with my frist stepdad. i was happy. i was happy. and it was odd, becuase in every dream i've dremt of my mother since i left, it has not been a happy one.
and we moved into this new house, i followed my stepdad in, and he looked at me with this look on his face. pained. i knew it.
and i left to look at my room, and when i came back he was there, cutting his hand, slowly moving the knife up his arm. and he was crying. i couldn't see much after that, because my own eyes were welled up with tears. but i told him to stop, and he wouldn't listen. and maybe he said something that sounded like "she's going" but i couldn't be sure. i had to stop him. the knife was deepining into his skin. but he wouldn't listen to me. he was going to kill himself. and all i could think about was if he did, we would be alone again.
and i told him to stop, yelling for him to stop cutting himself. and he started crying, and i was in a trance, because i'd never seen him cry before. and he said "it's too late. i'm glad your gone."
and i woke up. i wonder what he meant.