>.>;; Heh... finally told about my suicidal thoughts. I got sent to the doctor who sent me t the local crisis center then I got a psychologist lady. I've seen her three times..... >.>;; But my thoughts are still there and strong... >.>;;
heh... I noticed that most of my suicidal thoughts are brought on by boredom.
I met 'the boyfriend', whom Sumi nicknamed Keida, but I disapprove of the nickname. If he is to be called anything that involves my characters' names, it has to be with my permission. I was in a horribly foul mood after getting home the day I met him and was very pissy and depressed until two days later when I had Japanese class.
I guess he makes me feel inferior. It's very rare that someone can do that. I think it was a combination of him being 6'2" and being able to woo Sumiko.... he also is the kind of guy that makes me feel emo and pissy. The kind that give girls flowery words to lead them on, that have very little meaning.
I was seriously beating up on myself when I got home, and still kinda am. Him and Sumi getting together has pretty much broken my emotions towards finding anybody. Not for me. I realized I'm not good relationship material, nor the type of girl who attracts ppl. I also find myself distrusting what ppl say about me more and more. I can't stand when ppl try to cheer me up or ask what's wrong. I just prefer being left alone.
I guess it's the fact that I steal myself away that I feel like I'm getting left behind. Everyone's moving forward with their lives and I stand still. I feel like I'm eventually going to be abandoned. I don't even know how to have conversations with ppl my age with out sounding extremely annoying or like a smart aleck.
I'm also slowly destroying my emotions to cope. I hardly cry and more and I only feel content, bored happiness, depressed, or mad. I hide away my emotions to be strong. I absolutely hate it when people see me in a moment of weakness, and I hate it when ppl worry over me. Yet at the same time I want to be shown that they care.
I don't know.... I suppose I'm just getting way too complicated. *sigh*
 Aoi_Para · Sat Mar 03, 2007 @ 05:51pm · 0 Comments |
