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Angry and depressed rants that MIGHT mean nothing someday |
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I'm ******** about ready to ******** disown all my god damned friends and commit suicide or something. It really pisses me off. If they don't do drugs and sleep around, they act like I'm some disgusting thing that they want nothing to do with. I'm really starting to get overly pissed and depressed about it. And no matter how I try to mend things or warn people, they don't listen. Hell, no one pays attention to little ol' me.
I mean I seriously ******** cut my arms SEVEN times and didn't hide it. Only one person noticed and that was one of the ones that acts like I'm something she wants to be rid of.
And speaking of her, she is both depressing and pissing me off at the same time. I try to reach out to her and keep our friendship alive the best I can at the moment and she just brushes me off like I'm the least significant thing in the world. I invite her places and tell her to call me and she never does and doesn't bother telling me she can't come. Most the time she won't even tell me things until the last minute, which highly pisses me off. And recently I invited her to my birthday party. I told her she "better come" because she didn't even bother to tell me whether she wanted to come with me to something else or not. Her response was "Of course, everyone's going to be there." Everyone. Well ******** her if she's ganna come for them and not me. And recently she's been rude. I had told her that PE was awesome for once because we beat the other class at capture the flag at like 18 to 2 and she said "I don't care." she may have been in a bad mood but she had never talked to me like that before. I got in a bit of a bad mood today because no one is posting on my RP and snapped some and she snapped back "Maybe people just aren't interested and have better things to do." It was like a slap in the face saying that she could care less what I did, even if it was getting run over by a car. And ever since she got her goddamned boyfriend she's been acting like she's ******** the hot s**t. I used to be super jealous of her boyfriend because I liked her a lot, but now I'm starting to change my mind. Right now I'm of the the opinion, "Go ahead. Have sex with your boyfriend. Get pregnant. Go ******** sleep around and do drugs like the rest of them. I don't give a ******** about you either," but only because I'm mad.
I'm almost to the point of flat out telling her that we shouldn't be friends anymore, to uninvite her to my party. I haven't let myself cry in at least 2 months, and when I've teared up most of my problems were related to her. I fear that eventually these feelings she's making feel will become to much to handle. On Sunday they almost did. I was seriously considering to get a knife and slit my throat or wrists. Worst part is, I actually let myself cut myself. I remember thinking then, 'What would everyone do if they found out their birthday party invitations were being turned into funeral invitations? Would anyone even cry?' I can't blame all my feelings on that one person though. I feel this way because of everyone. I always feel like I'm the one that can be left most easily (and I usually am the one everyone leaves out) and the one that nobody needs or really cares to have around. I just get that vibe from people. Everyone will get into a conversation that I can't join in on simply because I don't know what the hell they are talking about. Other times people will group up and start laughing about things and having a great time and I feel like I shouldn't intrude because I know if I get involved the conversation won't be fun and lighthearted anymore.
I've slowly been sealing my self away. It was either because something I did was annoying to another or because it was 'childish'. I don't know when, but at some point I really began caring about how people received me. I didn't want to be annoying to my friends so I clamp down and not do things they didn't like. Now I'm so serious and 'mature' (I'm really just so childish that I seem mature to some) that I can barely hold a 'normal' teenage conversation. I don't think I have conversation problems, just I don't know how to converse with a teenager. I can't joke as easily as the others. I can't play around like the others. I feel so alone in my own group of friends that I feel they'd be better off without me.
I try not to let things affect me, but they do. I try something with my friends and after so many times of trying, I give up. I draw and take art. I look at others work and don't see how I could really amount to anything in the art world and think that I should give up. Especially my Manga. I write and ten think that though what I write is well liked by my friends, it will never be good enough to become actual books, and I'll think I should stop writing. But to give up those two things is to give up what little I have of myself that's expressive.
I want to say goodbye to 'Strawberry Moon' but it is so rooted in who I am that I just can't let it go. I am the characters of the story. I am the pervert that is Atoko. I am the emo and childish character that is Aoi. I am the prideful, abstinent, revenge wanting, drug hater, with strict morals that is Kosume. I am the devoted and deranged character that is Sakuya. And I was the goodish friend that loves to give their friends a good time that is Keida. But recently Keida has been stripped from me. I can no longer associate myself with Keida because that girl's boyfriend just seemed to be so much like him. He is now Keida. He now makes me hold a grudge against everything I am in that story. The one person that was in all of it's sister series as important character was ripped away from me. I no longer feel like I can call my stories mine. They feel like they are slowly being ripped from my soul, character by character. Though, it's funny. She says her favorite character is Kosume, who I have thought is the most like my personality. Though now I think I'm slowly being over taken by my inner Aoi. Ironic that he is the first to die. Ironic that she and I have it planned to have Sumiko (Her incarnate) and Keida left alive alone. (Though it isn't concrete.) Ironic that I had had it planned from before all the boyfriend s**t started to have all the characters that were me killed off. Maybe I'll kill myself off before I can even finish off Aoi in the story. You never know.
It seems now that 'Strawberry Moon' is the only topic that she can stand talking to me about. I think that it's because its runs just as deeply into her as it does me. It seems to be our only link left and I'm not sure how long it'll last. I used to call her my best friend, but now... I feel like I've become a mere annoyance to her. It really affects you when those kind of things happen. I honestly feel like I have no one to call a best friend, and I'm ify to even say that I have any really good friends. But I have 'friends'. Friends that I suppose are just starting to drive me insane very slowly. I'm not even letting people hug me anymore. I'm not letting people touch me much either. I guess in the end, if I ever do do anything like cut (again) or try to commit suicide it will be solely my fault because I'm the one putting the most distance in. I'm the one who will ultimately be my own downfall because I can't even help myself. I guess that that's wt pisses her off the most about me.
I'm sure you noticed by now how many times I've mention her. No matter how many what, what she says or does has the greatest affect on me. And you probly noticed that I'll rant against something one moment then come to it's defense and blame myself later. Horrible of me I know, but I can't just let anything be just clean cut. All in all, everyone, everything, including myself, are to blame for how I act and feel. I'm a sponge and just soak in everything provided. It's just I have a little problem of letting go of that dirty water.
 Aoi_Para · Thu May 10, 2007 @ 10:55pm · 2 Comments |
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