Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I'm getting worse. I restarted my training again a few days ago and already I'm a little.....pent up. Nothing is working quite the way it should once again. I can't focus very well and my body temp is fluxuating drasticaly. I think tonight I'll go back to meditation instead of sleep. As it is, it is one a.m. and I have working out for an hour. I only stop because my arms can no longer support me. I destest this unyeilding thirst for strength but it is so much a part of me. I don't know. Perhaps it is just the evening setting into me that makes me alarmed.

One thing, I remeber when this started now. Or started again. However one decides to put it. I was in me room some weeks ago. It was during a rain storm I remember because the power went out and certain false memories showed me how best to use very little candle light to illuminiate the entire room. Anyway, I was examining my blade maintanince kit and I opened the bottle of sword oil for the first time. It has a certain, unmistakable scent to it; like cloves and olives and fresh snow. Hints of other things are there but that could have more to do with the nostalgia the smell of the oil triggers than the actual ingredients. One whiff made me feel....serrene? Maybe that is not the right word. I felt at home, comfortable, I can't fully describe it but that is as close as I can get. The smell triggered a desire for kiss of steel, the test of a perfect blade and ritual for battle.

Such as it was, I grabbed the best blade in my arrsenal (the Zatoichi above my bed) and slid the edge along my left arm. I did this not for mutilation, or for want of pain (such as it was the edge was so fine the cut caused no discomfort) but out of a dormant need. I fail to understand fully why I might need such a thing but there it is. And I felt calmed, again, a little more at peace as I watched a few drops of my blood slide down the edge. They left no trail, marred nothing, but did not drip from the edge or tip. I let that little bit soak into the steel's heart before I began typical maintanence on the sword. Since that night, my lust for strength and battle has been rekindled. Though I cannot say why.

More recently have been the events of the last few days. These have nothing or little to do with my mental instablities but just social comings and goings. Monday was a lark. With Liz's help, I had to pick up my little sister from the edge of the world. It was in actuallity, just a labarinth of small side streets full of the aging and incommitent but that is neither here nor there. When I got home I was mobbed by my animals as their feeding time had been delayed by an hour and a half. I sacraficed the sister to them. Tuesday wasn't much better though I seem to have blocked that one from my memory for the moment. I wonder why. Today was cool. I hung around and did nothing as I'm on a paid day off. Then Dihiana and I went to the Clipper VS. Laker game. It sucked since there was no Kobe to pretend he was on an actual team and so the Clippers kicked their a**. The whole thing struck me as pointless but fun. And yes Liz, you can come to the next one. Tomorrow...I was supposed to do something tomorrow but I forget what. Friday I think I'm helping Cat move some furniture around, and Saturday is a small anime con that we are all going to. I don't expect much but I hear tell of a Maaya Sakamoto concert that night and that should be most enjoyable. I think I'm going to try and hang out with Greg over the next few days since we haven't done that much as of late. Well, whatever happens, happens. I just hope it doesn't piss me off. Anyway, I need sword now. Later.