Wow...for the first time, my mind doesn't feel as heavy as it could be. That might be due to the fact that James and I have talked about things that have been put off for so long. It's kinda nice to admit that I think he finally understands how I feel about him. It's also kinda nice to hear from him how much he really appreciates what I try to do for him and that he loves me...just not the way I've always wanted, but he did say that he did and it makes me feel a little better. I also know we aren't gonna be getting into a relationship for sure anytime soon; unless something changes down the road (quoted from him), this is how it's gotta be. On another note, Bryan and I won't get a real chance for a relationship cuz of how unhappy he was with me in the first place. Gee, it sure is nice to hear these things so late! He and I went off on this already and then some, but it still doesn't make up for anything. I dunno why I'm still hanging around being his friend even though I agreed last night I would stick around. I still stand by what I've said; if he can't try and be a friend back, then I don't care how much he asks me to stick around as one for him. Personally, it's not like he'll be missing out on something great; we both screwed up the chance to figure that out. And now my other concern is what James is gonna do regarding a friend of mine that has a huge crush on him; and he's taking an interest to her along the lines of just "going with the flow". Why am I surrounded by hypocrites these days?
So, needless to say, I'm now feeling very lost, confused and even more lonely than ever. I'm glad I have classes and work study to keep me out of the house so I don't turn too much into a introverted hermit. Granted I think I now know what it would be like to have an older brother and he keeps me on my toes everyday since I do live with him. I wanna keep trying to be as socialable as possible when I do have the time, but it's just gotten a lot harder for me recently. I want to work on my manga, but I just can't bring myself to face it and it's not cuz of writers' block anymore. Everytime I wanna sit down and draw something, it just doesn't feel right or even look right when I whip out a few more sketches here and there. I don't think I've ever been this exausted and my mind and body just can't get enough sleep these days and recent events haven't helped in the process. I really feel like I need a change, but I'm not sure where I wanna begin with that. There's one enjoyment I've gotten into and that's cooking. I may suck at it, but I'm getting better and James has made very little complaint about what I've fixed so far this semester. *sighs* At this point, I'm hoping it can't get any worse, but knowing my luck, it may already be going in that direction. Que cera...cera.
 Manmaru · Fri Jan 21, 2005 @ 04:25am · 2 Comments |
