Well... as a few of you know, I got back from visiting Tess again. It was a wonderful couple of weeks and if you want to know about it, either ask me or read my last journal entry. It was pretty much the same; lots of food, video games, and living like royalty...
I'm trying to get things updated in the guild in get all the new things I have planned put into motion, but I feel like I'm getting stopped at every turn. What will happen to my plans? Probably the same thing that happens to them all: they'll go to the wayside and be forgotten when I come up with something cooler.
As far as work goes, I never really know what my schedule is more than a few days in advance, so trying to give anyone who's interested a schedule of my work hours is pointless. Just suffice it to say that I work alot, am unhappy with my job now, and am only working just hard enough NOT to get fired.
As my personal life goes... I'm getting to the point where I'm almost feeling emo enough to write everything down in a vague, confusing, hippie-esque poetic garble of crap that will be blantantly obvious that I'm feeling something bad, but just vague enough that I can say "Oh, that? I just found that on some site and thought it was pretty. Don't think it actually reflects me."
I don't particularly like having my private affairs out there for the world (or at the very least, the Family) to see... but I'm getting screwed up enough in the head that I'm looking at this journal as a real possibility for expressing those pent up emotions in a manner I can write off to passerby's as "Just something I wrote."
So now what? I'm getting desperate for attention, yet don't want anyone to know what the hell I'm stewing in. Maybe I'm hoping that rantings like that will be like a code that only certain people will understand, and others will pass by without another thought. It's kinda like a line from the movie Clerks (which I watched for the first time today.) "I love gatherings, but I hate people." It's a paradox of sorts.
So now what? Do I say "Hey! I want to talk about the crap that's bothering me!" and risk getting responses from people I don't especially want to share this stuff with... or do I simply keep it all shut in and deal like I do all the time? And what's more, does the fact that I'm writing this crap at all make me a hypocrite? I don't know.... and at the moment... I don't really care. I need some kind of outlet and I'm not sure what to look for to use as one.
I'm getting filled with a lot of confusing emotions. There's someone out there I really care about... and that pisses me off. I want to be mad at this person... be PISSED at them. And yet... when I see them... I am filled with an enraging compassion. I don't want to care like this... I want to be pissed! They've hurt me... whether they know it or not. They've done things that I should be ROYALLY pissed at about... and yet all I can do... is worry about them.... care about them.... and THAT pisses me off!
Anyway....I suppose I should cut off my rant now. It's either gonna be boring to the two people that read it... or be a waste of my time when no one reads it.
Here's hoping that Mystic Nights continues for a long and glorious time, and may Mystic Nights Photography get off the ground.
Thanks for reading.... feel free to comment... I need the attention....
Backflip
---------
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
Building is an American flag.
 Backflip · Wed Jun 28, 2006 @ 09:01am · 3 Comments |
