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Oct 5/20

I've been having a few better days lately and I think a huge part of it is the fact that I'm finally on anti-depressants. It's been 16 years (that I can remember) of struggling with depression, and more recently anxiety and CPTSD and every day has been a battle. I've repressed so many things as a manner of self-preservation and I found isolation and inertia comforting and easy and painless (by comparison). But things have slowly been changing.

I started going to therapy again and I'm finding so much comfort in my conversations with my counselor. She's been so good at helping me sort through my traumas, thoughts, and emotions and explaining to me why I'm so lacking in certain social skills in healthy ways. I hate change because change for me has always been bad, I don't know how to handle disagreements/conflicts because the only way I learned how to deal with it was either to scream and yell or back off and say nothing, I struggle so much to form and keep meaningful relationships because of my past traumas and knowing why I struggle with this has been so validating. But that means my hard work is just starting.

I've been on anti-depressants for almost three weeks and I've been feeling a drastic change already. My head feels clearer (even if it's not quieted, it's more clear than it was before) and I'm waking up feeling rested instead of ready to go back to bed. I can't remember the last time I've ever felt rested. I know the full effects can take between 4-6 weeks to feel but even just this is so encouraging. Furthermore, I know my mental state will improve once I'm able to cut my ex and my father out of my life. It's coming soon, I just need to be patient.

But I can't just work on my mental health and expect to be okay. I'm still finding myself stagnant, unmoving, and working from home means I don't even get the daily commute to work. Last week, I made the decision to start cooking more real food (not just convenience foods/KD) which means I have to keep on top of the kitchen. This would be easier if I lived with someone who actually cleaned up after themselves. My grandmother needs someone living with her in order to stay home (she is the only one who thinks differently) as she doesn't do housework/cleaning, is unable to manage her three medium sized dogs, is unable to sort through her medications (she doesn't even take them all when I sort them for her), etc... This makes it hard to want to cook anything in her kitchen because it's always full of garbage, food all over the counter and stove, chewed gum, and dirty dishes but I still have to make the effort. I also just started working out again. I bought an exercise bike but a combination of intense humidity and asthma flair ups made it impossible to start using it till recently.

I have worked so hard since July of this year to take care of myself. I know I've only just started and have to keep it up but I'm proud of what I've managed to accomplish so far. Now I just have to keep it up.

I just have to remind myself: I'm worth it.