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Aug 25th, 2018

I was right to be nervous when I saw Mike and my ex talking. As a last attempt to control what I do with my life my ex ******** up everything.

Yesterday Mike told me that he didn't want to pull us through what he described as an emotional minefield which is what would surely happen if we got together. He said that our situation was very complicated and didn't feel that we should change our relationship to something more serious.

I'm devastated. I didn't realize just how hopeful I was that he would want to give us a try and now that I know I won't get the chance... I can't breathe, I feel physically sick and I can't eat because of it. I'm full of anger and resentment aimed at my ex, I'm distraught at Mike's decision, and I'm full of self-loathing for letting myself think that maybe I'd have the chance at something like this.

I know that now that I have my answer I need to start figuring out how to heal and move on with my life. The problem is though, I don't want to. I don't want to let go, I don't want to move on, I don't want to. I want so much to have a chance at something with Mike because he's such an amazing individual. I am completely enamoured with this man and knowing that he has feelings for me too makes it so much harder to have a desire to move on. I want the chance to see what we could have. I want the chance to know what this could be. I told him I respect his decision but also told him I wasn't happy with it and why but I was also crying so hard I couldn't breathe.

Once I pulled myself together (by which I mean, I was breathing easier and I wasn't crying so hard I was heaving) I started talking to my friend Ana. She told me that it would be good to try and move on now that I know but I told her I don't want to. I told her "I don't want to move on, I don't want to let go. I want him. I just want him and to see what we could be." Her response: "Tell him that." It took 2 hours but I wrote him a letter that I sent over Skype. I told him that I want him, insecurities and all, complications and all. I told him I want the chance to see what we could have, what we could be, how we could grow. I told him that our friends shouldn't have an influence on what we decide because if they truly care about us then they'll just be happy that we're happy. I know he's seen it (he was online later that night after I sent it) but so far he's said nothing.

I'm not expecting it to change his mind (I'm trying to convince myself of that, in reality I'm clinging to the slim chance that he might change his mind) but I know that I couldn't have left things the way we did. There was so much I left unsaid before I wrote that letter, at least now I know that I told him everything I needed to. At least now I can have no regrets because I know that I tried.

But I'm still not ready or willing to try and start the healing process. I have no idea how long that will last and I'm scared that I won't stop feeling that way but I'm also hopeful that after a while, maybe he'll change his mind. Maybe that's why I can't let go yet. But I also know that I can't keep this up.

And I'm still so angry and resentful of my ex. I don't know if that will ever pass and I don't know if I want it to. He's done so much to hurt me over the years, I honestly think this is the final straw.

...

I just want to talk to Mike....