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To all of my friends, I really don't know what it looks like to you. Despite having lost everything in my life, and having no way out, I'm still trying. It looks totally hopeless, I've been scratching and clawing at the walls to find any weakness in them I can, and there's nothing. After all these years.

You may believe I'm a person who gives up. Then tell me why I haven't yet? It's been years now. Not just months. I'm over my head in the water and I'm still grasping for every air bubble I can find.

And you know what? I post things like that to get away from the seriousness of the issues. I use metaphors or illustrations rather than refer to the real atrocities that I see. Why? Because I like being a writer, because I like pretending that this is a story, one of heroics and suffering and one who comes out on top in the end.

I plan on being that winner, if it's at all possible. But you do have to realize there are some things that cannot be fixed. Diana's friend was killed. Justin's mom was too. You cannot undo these things. Mara's lost a child... more than once...

I am trying very hard to make something out of this life I was given. If you don't believe that, if you think there's something so wrong with me, please, I'm asking you, send me a message and tell me what it is. I do check in every once in a while.

You can't exactly say "Hi, how's it going?" because you know I'm still very ill and unable to do much. I could tell you all the wonderful things that happened lately, but all I really want is a hi and hello. My likely reply would be, "I really miss you, I hope I can see you again someday soon."

I have not forgotten about any of you. I look at your messages, the things you gave me, and I smile and remember the good times. I will always hang on to those memories to prove to myself that I did have something, some good friends who helped me a lot. Where would I be without them? I couldn't have kept afloat without you.