Do you ever have a mix of feeling safe and feeling vulnerable? I don't know how to describe it. I just know that it happened. I have never been put into a situation like this one. I was completely vulnerable. And, knowing me, I was also rather awkward about it as well. It's hard to allow yourself to be vulnerable. It's scary to let people in. But it's also exciting and once you get past the scary beginning of getting to know someone, there is nothing better than to have someone there. So, along with being vulnerable, I had the feeling of being safe as well. I don't know how the two mix. But somehow, they did.
Being vulnerable wasn't just terrifying. It was nice, too. I don't open up much to anyone really. But it was easy with him. It was natural. And I like that. I want it to be able to be completely natural. I haven't every really had a relationship like this one. I haven't ever had a natural relationship. They always demanded so much. One of my biggest concerns is that I will disappoint him. I don't handle disappointment well. I will be honest, being that vulnerable scared me and made me kind of awkward. And I think he may have realized that.
It's been so long since I let someone in. It's terrifying and exilerating all at the same time. I don't think he understands completely what he is in for, but I hope he doesn't mind. I enjoy talking about the future and I look forward to the heart-to-hearts, even though I am still in that idiot mode where I don't know how to word my thoughts so I just kind of sit there awkwardly. I want to be able to openly have a heart-to-heart where I am not an idiot and I do communicate. All in good time, I believe.
I'm slightly frightened. I fall fast and I fall hard. I'm just hoping that when the falling does occur, he is there to catch me.
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