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I don't really know what I'm gonna write in this journal. There is so much that I am wanting to write because there is so much that I am thinking of, but there's just no way to say it without actually saying it, and I don't want to write about this on the internet where anyone and everyone can see.

I'm just kind of upset, I'm so self-conscious and it's getting the best of me. Last night was a terrible night for me, I couldn't sleep, I was over emotional, and I was up until almost four just hoping to get a message from you, which I then realized you probably were sleeping so I finally gave up. I shouldn't ask things because I don't really want to know the answer to them, but now I do know the answer and I don't really like it.. I mean, I can't change it, it's not something that I really have control over, and I'm not just gonna say "stop doing it". I'm not like that, if you want to do something and it makes you happy, you should go for it. I'm not gonna stand in your way.

I just... I feel like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to. I feel like I should be doing more, and I feel like if I was doing more or if I was more then you wouldn't need to do what you do.. I don't know, maybe that's a silly concept, but I feel like if I was different and did more then you would need what you need. I just kind of wish that I never asked, that way I would never have known. Like, I knew that you did that and it didn't bother me, but I wouldn't have known how often.

I feel like I'm rambling now so I'm gonna stop bothering you poor gaians and get back to my homework, because it's due today and I'm pushing it off. Oh my, I'm a terrible procrastinator.