Once more I find myself more than just a little overwhelmed and behind on things; I'm hella backlogged on replies of all kind, from PMs to emails to posts to comments...It seems I manage to get caught up just so I can fall massively behind on things again. I promise this is not a masochistic issue nor is it something I purposefully do for some kind of demented shits and giggles. I just have a ton of crap going on in my life (some of it good, some of it annoying as all get out) and been struggling unsuccessfully for years to manage, do and keep doing more than possible with my life being as it has been.
That's not to sound like the whine it came out as; I am spectacularly blessed with a loving husband who tolerates all kinds of shenanigans (if you think I can be hard to deal with online...or make sense of...or that I can rant like a boss when given a chance...), some very special friends who put up with me even though I am about as elusive as a white lion (Google that if you want to die of joy) and can be as ill as one with a thorn in its paw if I've not introverted enough to tolerate being away from my desk (you know who you are...I owe you guys another Adventure Time round with lemonades for all who want one!) as well as this sweet little bundle of joy.
On most days I like my job well enough- even though I still believe that dealing with some of the public is pretty much my karmic payback for every wrong deed I even THOUGHT of doing- and if you take work completely out of the picture than I am, without a doubt, the happiest person I know.
I just have a lot on my plate. I am not going to talk a lot about it; just suffice it to say that I am constantly over-estimating how much I can get done and under-estimating the time I could get it all done in. I have a very busy life, both online and off, and I'm a little run down from everything. I sometimes have to pick between getting something done and getting the sleep this body needs to function well enough, or taking time to take care of myself or do something to help me catch a mental break before something mental...breaks.
I know waiting on me is a pain in the a**. I know it is not fun, it sucks, and I am very aware of the trouble that I have been to some of you, the inconvenience I have caused. I AM sorry, even if some are tired of hearing it; I am also doing the best that I can to free up more time, not just for Gaia but for my sanity. cat_sweatdrop I have spent the past few years asking myself how little sleep I can go on, cutting corners on my health in order to try to squeeze all the productivity I can out of myself...and I am paying for it. Between the emotional burnout and my body starting to hit a wall with how much abuse it is willing to tolerate I just don't have it in me anymore to tell myself I need to go without sleep AND work AND be sociable AND manage to be coherent (and nice! I must always be nice! No matter what!) through it all.
I just can't do it anymore; I cannot continue to do as I have been doing these past few years. And because all the stress has affected my writing I refuse to anymore.
What does that mean for Gaia? Well, it means what happened these past few weeks: I had to pull away enough to focus on taking care of my physical self, and my surroundings, so that I could come back with a clearer head. Basically I hit a major wall and had to take the time to regather myself. I would be so tired after a shift and doing everything else I have to do that when I would sit down at the computer and sign in I would just sit and stare...and become so overwhelmed that I would just put my head down on my desk. It's not any one user's particular fault but I was completely overwhelmed by the messages that would start to pour in within a few minutes of my signing on, some of them demanding an immediate reply (this is another reason I do not and will never again do instant messengers; my early years on Gaia gave me IM PTSD). I would not have time to even read over anything before the messages would start rolling in...and there were a lot of times I was on my phone and could NOT answer, something I have stressed to more than one person (the Gaia app is GREAT...when it works; not so hot for messaging or replying, however- but it is a great way to do a quick check of things on here. My one wish is that there was a way for people to know when someone was on their phone; I'm not the only one who can't use the app for anything other than status updates and checking PMs but I know there are people that have wondered why I did not reply when I was online.) but something I guess that is easily forgotten. It's not always a matter of just logging on quickly to do a quick check on things. Sometimes I am on my phone while at work or about to crash for bed and want to see what is up, read over RP posts to start formulating my next actions...but I can't reply to things when I am on my phone as I would like. It's nothing personal, just the app doesn't always want to play (though I am sure it means well). I guess it is a lot like me- it wants to be useful and helpful to everyone but it is so bogged down, lag-alicious and unable to process too much at one time that it will crash at the smallest provocation.
So on top of having more than one deadline coming up and work eating up more and more of my time and energy* AND having so many other things going on...I just had to step back from things online in order to try frantically to get some s**t back under control before I lost my mind. Things went to hell so quickly on my end that I could hardly keep up- and there are some things I very much DID NOT keep up on- and, once more, I apologize for all the trouble that has caused you guys.
I am trying. I cannot and will not go into detail about certain things going on with me offline because of one simple rule I made back when I joined Gaia: Gaia has been and hopefully always will be my break from 'out there'; so no more 'out there' than I can manage to contain will creep into HERE. Partially that means keeping certain things completely off Gaia but, in situations like this, I felt obligated to clarify a few things, like letting people know I am sorry but that Gaia and all my other online activities are not things I get to enjoy every day...but rather they are things that, if lucky, I GET to enjoy. I know plenty of people on here and personally who spend more of their day then not parked at their computer...for me getting to park in front of my computer is a luxury, something I wish I could enjoy more time doing but that, with things as they are currently, I only get to indulge in at certain times when things are going a certain way. I used to give up sleep and sacrifice my health in order to make more time for online activities but I simply cannot do that anymore. So while I AM busting my a** to simplify my life so that I can enjoy a simpler, calmer existence I have hit a point where I can't force myself to do things anymore that are harming me in order to keep up with others who have more time than I do.
I think that is the fairest, most simple (and, regarding some I know, a much kinder) way to word where I am right now in life. I get so many reminders, offline and online, about how I am never social enough or giving people enough time (according to THEM) or doing enough to satisfy others...I've just blown a fuse. This is not a new phenomena, by the way. If you read back over my entries on here over the years you will see how my interaction with people online and off has colored my life in many different ways. I've always struggled to balance the fact I'm highly, highly introverted (I have never been social unless you count all the times I've forced myself to appear that way; those days, too, are over- I paid a high emotional and physical price for all of that) with the urge to make other people's days and lives better in whatever ways I could because despite all my bluster I WANT and even NEED to help others. But that, too, has required a hefty price and after years of forcing myself to do things that have caused the well to dry...
Let's just say a lot of chapters are being closed in my life and have been closed since I found this site. Lots of water under a lot of different bridges. The very LAST thing my life would be called is boring or uneventful.
So. *Claps hands and sits up straighter* Where are we now, after this last, undesired and forced hiatus?
I have managed to get a rather large project that was taking up a metric s**t ton of my time and resources FINALLY finished. There is still a few things I have to get done to fully wrap it up but for all intents and purposes said project is permanently crossed off my galaxies-long To-Do list; I have another project I can now move onto now that THAT is done but it is not nearly so intensive and resource-consuming so I can work on it even as I do things on here. It's pretty much computer/internet related so I can be doing things on here while getting this last stretch done; my goal is to have all that wrapped up by mid-November (if not sooner) so once that is done I will have even MORE time and resources at my disposal.
I am going to be shifting more and more of my time and energy to my writing, not just on Gaia but PERIOD. My life and parts of it has, despite what I wanted and needed, caused my writing to be completely pushed off the table at times and that's another thing that has caused a lot of trouble for me, both online and off. I need to write; it is my air, my food, my driving force in life. I only manage to do everything else because I could write; it's not just a thing I do on the side for le lulz but the act that holds my atoms together and gives me form and substance. I log on in order to share stories with people; that's partially why certain actions on here (like the constant passive-aggressive messages and such from certain people) distress me so much. I think some people cannot fathom that not everyone has a choice in whether they are online or offline; I have to work, I have to pay bills. If I do neither of those things I do not have an internet connection (or a home to enjoy said connection in) so, ergo, I have no Gaia. I've metaphorically held my tongue for years over this but with everything going on my patience with certain actions and messages has been unceremoniously kicked out the door; from here on out if I have to explain to someone that I cannot just NOT go into work or NOT get any sleep- things people have suggested to me before in order to make sure they get the attention they want- then I won't waste my energy or anymore of either of our time. I will just stop communicating with them. Life's too short and my time is too precious to stress over people who are unable to comprehend that they are lucky enough to have limitless amounts of free time without the restraint of responsibility. I KNOW that sounds harsh but I know there are some of you who will read this who will know exactly what I mean and will back me up on this. If I have to explain that I have responsibilities and a life offline that requires attention then I know we are a bad match. It's not a bad thing, just the truth. It frees us both up to find others who are like-minded and who understand. Being understood and understanding others are two completely unappreciated and down-played art forms.
This, by the way, is being applied to people I know offline as well so anyone reading this who thinks I am aiming this at just people online can rest assured I mean this for people who will never even know of the existence of this b***h-fest. I've got people in my offline life who are just as bad, who won't even stay away from the place I work because, and these are their words, I'm forced to pay attention to them or risk sounding like a jerk to my supervisors. emotion_facepalm Or getting in trouble. emotion_facepalm And some people wonder why I suffer from burnout; or, to word it another way, some extroverts wonder why introverts think they are total assholes. Since when is it socially acceptable to corner people at their jobs and dangle it over their heads that they HAVE to be nice to them and pay attention to them?
I really do not fit into this society, but that's another rant for another day. xD
I think that about wraps it up, my lovelies. Wraps it up as much as I can or am willing to, anyway. I hope I have given everyone as much insight as possible into the clockwork circus that is my life so that people will wander away from this with an understanding that my lack of online time is not personal in any way, shape, form or fashion but rather a much undesired outcome of certain things that are out of my control in my current situation. For those of you who are still with me (not just with this post but with me in spirit and in our stories) THANK YOU INFINITELY MUCH. You guys do more than rock, you own the damn charts. I've been here long enough to have found more people than I could name that I would like to embrace (and very few who I would want to kick...but I have to admit that those who I would like to kick I would like to do it with all my might- but such is life, ja?) and I seriously love you guys. I come back for you; despite this bitchy post (and it is bitchy but it was necessary to get bitchy this time, I feel, because enough is e-damn-nough, SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS) I love Gaia more than ever and I am very thankful for the kind, awesome people I have found on here.
You guys make up for all the other stuff; logging on here has always felt like coming home and for that I cannot ever thank you guys enough. I'd give you all one big hug but my arms are not long enough. >.< heart
*TL;DR summary of work: We've been understaffed since I was hired and last month we lost ANOTHER worker- so my and everyone else's hours have ballooned FAR past the hours they used to be...and on top of that I am basically working all mornings now. Morning shifts mean that not only can I not stay up late- my prime writing time- but all the other work I have to do has to be crammed into a window where I am not full of energy OR motivation; do the math on how well things get done without those two things. So all my responsibilities become that much harder to deal with and my writing/online/'me time' goes out the window in the name of being a responsible adult. I don't have the luxury, at the moment, of a lot of free time. I'm okay when my work schedule calms down but it has been less than calm lately; I've had to work on forcing my circadian rhythm into a totally different loop so that I can squeak by at work- which I guess works out to the best but I felt like utter crapola for about two weeks into all this because I am NOT a morning person. I had to take melatonin and other stuff to force myself to sleep when my body wanted to be up- I have been a night owl since the womb- because my energy levels soar at night and then, because I was so tired, I had to rely on caffeine to keep me going when all my body wanted to do was rest. It's not been very fun having to force myself to work completely opposite of my body's basic urges (both emotionally and physically)...but I have done it and will have to continue to do so until I can get my life to a place where I can put my basic needs first.
