I start out so well; on good days I even manage to get 99.99998% caught up on things.
Then something happens to pull me away from my work.
Being caught up is so, so close and yet so impossibly far away.
I was doing well enough there for a few months. Looking back I am amazed I was not more caught up often then I am now because the past few weeks...Well, the past few weeks have been something else.
So a few weeks ago I got a second job; from here on out we shall call it Job B to keep things simple. It's a freelance job; I make my own hours, work at my own pace and generally enjoy the hell out of it. It's something I am wanting to put MORE time into because if I can start making enough money off of THAT job I can quit the first job.
Job A pays the bills but as a general rule of thumb it is and it summarizes all my problems with existence. It's meaningless, hollow work that leaves me mentally and emotionally exhausted and because I HAVE to do it in order to pay the bills it leaves me feeling all manner of ill after a bad shift. On the flip side of those same issues is the fact I love the crew I work with, I love my manager and the job is one of the physically easiest jobs I've ever had. I've worked a factory job before; now THAT'S some physical labor. This job is nowhere near that physically demanding.
It's just...it's a corporate job. It's all about numbers and goals and quotas and kissing a** and seeing how far you can crawl up someone's a** all while claiming it smells as sweet as a Bath & Body Works.
To pay the bills I have to spend a lot of time literally going against everything I stand for and who I am as a hooman; it's easier because I DO love the people I work with and there are times when I do feel like I've done a good enough job but I require something that leaves me feeling as if I've accomplished something that mattered at the end of the day. I know how whiny/emo/first world that sounds and I am genuinely ashamed of myself for sounding as entitled as I feel I sound ('Oh noes, Princess wants a job that leaves her feeling emotionally fulfilled! How dare she!') but that's where I am at this point in my life. I want to live up to my full potential. Shitty corporate job will get me from point A to B but it won't get me to point C or beyond.
So that's why I took on Job B. Job B helps me get much, much closer to beyond point C. Problem is what happened soon after I started on Job B.
Someone at Job A found another (better) job; I am happy that they did and I think I cheered the hardest for him when he got the news but there is (was) only four people on our crew. Now we are down a person and THAT'S why we are where we are now, friends and neighbors.
I've had a large amount of hours dumped over my head at Job A, which in some aspects IS a good thing despite my bitching. Our car is in serious need of repair, we tapped out all of our savings when the husband unit went to Japan and (ohgodgivemeapaperbagtohuffinto) the holidays are coming up. Oh, and our third marriage anniversary. And I would like to be able to get pressies for those last two events and not be stressed over the first event. >.< So I HEAR the hypocrisy and the whiny tone over being bothered by the windfall of extra hours at Job A. I know I sound ingrateful and I don't mean to come off that way; I am just tired and tapped out in regards to the same things I've been tapped out about for years. Seriously, look back over my entries over these past few years...My rantings are always the same things. I'm consistent in that regard if in no other. xD
What it boils down to is I got (and I still AM) excited about Job B because the more time/attention/energy I can pour into THAT job means I can get away from the kind of jobs that kill my joy in life and gives me the freedom to focus on what I want to focus on the most.
My writing.
Which leads me to what I am making this post about; one, it was to give anyone interested in knowing what the hell is going on with me a good idea of what that is and two, I just wanted to try to get things straight in my own head. I have a really bad habit of getting bogged down in details and the minutiae of day-to-day living that sometimes I have to kick my own a** up and out of the muck to get back to being above it all.
This is me kicking my a**. This is me reorienting myself because I feel like I am hitting that point in my life that I need, as one of my favorite characters of all times from one of my favorite movies of all times says, to nut up or shut up.
I have to start getting my s**t together because right now this is how I feel all the time, often:
And I don't LIKE that feeling. I don't like knowing where I want to go but not knowing how to get there. It feels too much like treading water, which is what I have been doing these past few years, and treading water is not the same as crossing the ******** river.
Running in place is not the same as moving for the finishing line.
I found this from an article that cut through all my mental chatter/storms and really clarified a lot of stuff for me.
There comes a time when you have to grit your teeth and separate yourself from the things that are holding you back, and the unfortunate thing about this one is that there's a good chance you're going to lose some friends in the process. Because the sheer act of you fixing your life changes your perspective and philosophy, and that is going to set you apart from the group. Not to mention that in making the effort to grow in your job or relationship, that commitment is going to take up an immense amount of time. And while they have hours and hours to kill, sitting around and talking about how much the world has ******** them, you're going to be out there doing the things they say they can't do themselves.
I saved that; I have it in a ton of different places and I've read it so often I've started to memorize it. And that's a good thing because that's EXACTLY what I need right now (if you like that then please, seriously give the entire article a read; this is just one of many thought-altering gems I picked up).
Because it's true. I've got goals and I got s**t to do and I am terribly sorry there are so many people that don't but I do. And I'm not knocking anyone for not having a goal in life and I for DAMN sure am not knocking anyone with tons of free time. Because I truly envy those who do. This quote wasn't aimed at any one person in particular but it IS aimed at all those I've bumped up against over the past few years that seem to not understand why I can't just drop everything in my life and cater to their needs.
I know I am not active enough on here (or active enough in any area of my life; I am a hooman-shaped mashup of koala/sloth/kitten/ram- when I am on I am all over the place and spastic as ******** but at heart I am an introvert that's content to stare at my Christmas tree lights and contemplate the universe- believe me when I hear from every direction possible that I am not active enough for the majority of people that knows me) and I am truly sorry. I think some people take it personally that I am not on more; I've even had someone tell me recently that the next time I was going to be sick and unable to be on Gaia that I needed to tell them IN ADVANCE.
IN. ADVANCE.
I know I am awesome but ********. Now I'm expected to be psychic! Is it a good thing that I know so many people that demand this much? Because a part of me says that they only demand the excellence that they know I am capable of...but to know in advance when I am going to be too sick to get onto Gaia, let alone manage an RP post?
I guess I missed something. Or maybe the person was inferring that I was lying about being sick. I don't know. And I don't care. I was mad as hell for a few days over it but I got over it simply because that's a person with more issues than I have.
It's crap like that which helped birth this entry. Because crap like THAT reminds me of how good some of you are.
And that's why I want to apologize once more for making those of you patient enough to wait on me wait once more. It's always waiting with me, isn't it? I was on all the time when I first joined Gaia but then the job and responsibilities began to pile around me and before I knew it I just wasn't able to spend the time in one month that I used to be able to give the site in three days.
But I love you guys. Seriously. You are some amazing people; I consider some of you some of the closest friends I have. And the closest friends I have are also Gaians so it all comes back to this site with me. xD heart
So thank you. For putting up with me, for being there for me (even when you don't know that you are!) and for just being all around generally awesomely bad of a**. Some of you have been in my life for nearly ten years and that's damned amazing to me. @.@ I've got a rather long history of being a gypsy so for me to still be here and still have the friends I have...You guys are amazing. Nuff said.
Annnnnnnnnnnnd now I'mma shut up and try to get to work on the PMs I owe people (you know who you are! *Waves* I suck, I know! T.T). I am hoping to be more active in the upcoming weeks but until someone new is hired/trained/able to work on their own at Job A I can't make any promises. I am doing a lot more morning/long shifts and that's spilling over into everything else; I am sorry and I would seriously not have things be like this if it were in my control but until I can magic up money out of nowhere this is just how it is with me.
I just wanted people to get a better idea of what was going on; there's nothing wrong and I am not ignoring anyone on purpose, I am just working two jobs now on top of my other responsibilities. It won't always be like this but it HAS pretty much obliterated my online presence and for that I am very sorry. I love you guys and miss you like mad. >.< I hope to be able to make a happier update in a month or so; I know how things are now are not how they will always be. I'm just impatient and all Aries about everything. All Aries. All the time. So help the world.
And to end on a lighter, cuter note...
Copper. heart
