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My first night of the summer with no sleep, the heat is too much. I've always hated the summer with a passion and swear that if I could I would hibernate through the entire summer.
I have much to say so I am going to say it; I am retiring from Gaia permeantly this year. This has been on my mind for awhile and I have finally made my decision, I will decide before the end of the year what to do with all my gold and items, I have a pretty good idea that I'll most likely give away all my items randomly to strangers. All things to an end; I thoroughly enjoyed my time on Gaia, my era of Gaia, and I respect the new era that it is going into but I don't like it, plus I'm just getting too old.
Secondly, I do believe this will be the end of me blogging. For mere seconds I played with the idea of making a blogspot account but I have decided against it; in truth blogging is just not me. Crafting and creating have been my latest outlet and I am hoping to getting back to writing and reading in earnest.
I will admit that I struggle and have problems with society and people and I've always felt like an alien, like I was never human to begin with at all. I am a hermit and I dislike going out in public greatly and when I do it feels so odd. The maximum I go out every month usually is five days; I have gone months not going out at all to my moms great disapproval.
Often times these feelings I get of not being human are very important to me, yet very painful at the same time. I don't always understand or get the human emotions or why humans do what they do. I don't get why we hurt each other and kill one another, why it's so important to be first, why we make ourselves so important, why T.V. is so important, or what we wear or do matters so much. I believe so many forget so much, they forget that we are living on one planet swirling amongst the stars, that we are all we have, and that there is so much more then wealth and power. What humanity has currently, we created and it is drastically tainted.
Sometime I wish I could just live in the woods and live simply off the land, sometimes I wonder If I should be a monk living alone in snowy mountains, and a lot of times I wonder why am I really here. I question life a lot. I was a lot smarter and wiser when I was younger and more pure. I don't believe in god or the devil; you have no idea how good that feels to say that.
I am really hoping that soon I find the answers that I am looking for. I am hoping to find myself and achieve that beautiful inner peace I once held. I don't see a bright future for myself and I know that if I don't fight back to that purity, simple, peaceful me I will careen into a really destructive, spiteful, hateful person; it's already started.
I worry and stress a lot. I'm really physically and mentally tired. I wish my ex girlfriend would of went to cosmetology school. I'm very, very happy that I found my soul mate though I lost her. I miss her a lot and think of her every single day. I hate myself. I'm tired of feeling old.
And with this I conclude and end my blogging though it was rather short lived, depressing, and ... and .. I don't know. I also end my time with Gaia this winter or maybe even sooner. Gaia was introduced to me by a girl named Elizabeth, she wasn't a very nice person but then neither was I. In the words of my beloved, 'Adios'.
This is and was The Worst Kind; blurgage to cease.
 Wicked Alyce · Fri Jun 28, 2013 @ 01:51pm · 0 Comments |
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