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Entry 4 -- Older kids
I've been feeling kind of sad lately. Or at least, everything is fine!! Until I get home...
Sometimes...I feel like my parents just don't care, y'know? Weeeeell, more than sometimes. A lot. hehe. :/
Today while we were all playing together (Gina,Ian,Red,Sapir and me) we stumbled into these two seventh graders! They were sooooo scary!!!! One of them was this scary guy with dark brown hair and he glared at us cos we walked into his blonde-haired friend!
His friend was a little weird. Apparently he has some sort of condishun that makes his jaw distort in weird ways!! It cracked when he smiled at us and it was REALLY SCARY!!!!
Sapir tried acting all tough but we could all tell he was pretty freaked out.
Anyways the grumpy one is apparently Jack and the other one is called Belias!!
Why does everyone have cooler names than me?
Entry 5 --
I ran away from home for a little bit and went to the park. I saw Sapir with some older kids. He looked a little nervous, and the other guys were pretty scary. One of them gave Sapir a ciggurete.
I couldn't see anymore cos one of the guys saw me and I had to run away.
I wonder what they were doing?
Entry 6 --
I got sent home early today because I hit Ashe. She called all of my friends really mean stuff right in front of me. She called me a 'big bully' and was crying. Her eye was turning weird colors.
Jack pulled me back before I could really hurt her. Then the teachers came.
Bullies beat people up. But Ashe was the one who called all my friends bad names.
Am I the bully? Or is she?
Entry 7 --
Mom and Dad didn't care.
They never do.
Entry 8 --
I didn't need to ask Sapir about the smokes after all. (smokes is what he called them.) He said the older boys who gave a pack to him were his brother's friends.
Belias laughed really hard at that for some reason.
Gina was really worried, though. She said that smokes are really bad for you!!!! Sapir got kind of mad at her and told her that her voice is so annoying and she's so ugly that she should disappear.
She was really sad about that and ran off crying. Ian wasn't there to comfort her cause some girl named Gren dragged him off. Red told me they were dating and crinkled up his nose.
Jack and me comforted Gina. Ever since I beat up Ashe, Jack and Belias have been hanging around more often. Jack isn't as bad as I thought. He's really good at calming people down, and Belias kind of leads us around in a way.
Red yelled at Sapir. Sapir apologized. He was really angry when he yelled, and seemed to mean it. Gina forgave him. She's kinda annoying sometimes.
Entry 9 --
Ian came back to play with us today. Red said 'that didn't last long' and Sapir punched him in the shoulder, but Ian just laughed. Gina was happy to see him.
Ashe was staring at us again today. Her and her dumb little posse. From what I've seen they're not even really friends. I complained a little bit about it to Ian and he kind of patted my head. He said he thinks she misses me.
Belias made some weird joke and Sapir stiffened up today. He said something like 'you aren't hiding anything in those pockets, are you?'. Red laughed and Jack just shook his head. I wonder what happened with those four? Sapir told me they all met on saturday, but I wonder what happened...?
I want to hang out with people on the weekends too! Summer is coming up really soon. Maybe we can all hang out together?
Entry 10 (SECRET ENTRY! Please tell me if you'll find this, and I'll reward you! with fan art/fanfic of your character finding out Bea's truth-! 0: )--
Diary, I'm going to talk to you about Ashe. But you can't tell anyone, ok?
Ashe had been my bestest friend ever since elementary school. My parents don't pay attention to me, but hers are worse. Her daddy paid attention to her. A lot of attention to her.
She dresses girly and had long hair because her daddy makes her. She said she likes it but I know she didn't. I promised myself I'd cut my hair when she got brave enough to cut hers. Before the day she called all of my friends dumb, I told Red and Sapir that I wanted to get my hair cut. They both encouraged me so I got one.
Before sixth grade started the two of us had a sleepover together at my house. Ashe was really happy because she got to get away from her daddy. We had a lot of fun, but then Ashe got real serious and started telling me all of these things. She told me how her mommy was a spy in a big company and one day she was destined to join her and be trained too, and she would have to leave forever and never see me again. That's why her mommy was never home and why her daddy was always lonely, and how she knew things like how to beat up big people. She even started crying.
I got real' scared, because I knew that I wouldn't be able to live without Ashe. I started crying too, and I made her make me a promise.
We decided that when 6th grade started, we'd start pretending like we were drifting apart. I promised her that I'd stick myself in a real bad crowd and learn how to do the sorta things she could, so maybe one day we could be together again.
Listen, diary, I'm a shy kid. It's scary trying to make friends and I always wonder if people really like me. So I started pretendin that I wasn't so shy, see? I started actin all stupid and happy and stuff and people started liking me. Me and Ashe stopped talking to eachother and I picked out the worst kids to hang out with -- everyone knew that Gina and Ian's parents were in really really bad business, so I started with them first. And then, the others, they just sorta...came along.
I like them. I do. But they don't like me. Not really.
Only Ashe really likes me.
I think I really hurt her feelings when I got my hair cut. But I had to do it. For them to really like me. I like Ashe, but I want them to like me, too. So I had to do it.
At the end of sixth grade, before Sapir started getting pressured by his big bro to start doin' stuff and Ian's parents chased off his silly little girlfriend, these guys in black suits came to take Ashe away. She had five minutes with her stupid fake dumb friends, and they were all cryin' and stuff. But she wasn't looking at them. She was looking at me.
I didn't look back.
I got really into being a gangster. The only time I felt like myself was when I was beating someone up, the time I could act rough and crass and be angry. I wrote like I forgot about Ashe, but I didn't. I never did. I wrote like I got mad at her for calling my friends dumb because I know my mom read my diary, she didn't think I did but I knew.
I'm only writing this in here now because I've finally gotten my chance. Gallagher Academy noticed me, and my parents are making me go there. I'm going to tell everyone that they're forcing me, but I actually just asked them. I won't be able to beat people up anymore when I want to get my real feelings out. I'm gonna have to make everyone like me, somehow. I know I'm never gonna be anything special -- all I like to do is blow things up and cause destruction and bleed. But if I make friends with people who'll grow up to be special, and they like me, then maybe I'll get somewhere in life. Maybe I'll meet Ashe again. (but ashe feels kind of like a dream, and I think I hate her more than I like her now for doing this to me. she's the one who made me like this. it's all her fault. I still like her. I just hate her more.)
I'm a real shy kid, I think. Or maybe I'm happy? Maybe I like to read, but then again, I think I like eating food and making noise better. I don't smile that much. Or maybe I smile a lot. I don't really remember anymore, who I'm supposed to be. I don't remember much.
All I remember is that Ashe was real talented, and how it felt when I first got in a fight and won, how the guy laid on the floor with his arm cracked and bruises all of him. I remember when I tasted alcohol and hated it so much I decided that I'd pretend I was a lightweight so nobody would ever make me drink it. I remember the feeling of stomping my foot into somebody's stomach, how I decided that was how I was gonna do things -- stomping my foot into their stomachs. The squelching sound, when they always ended up vomiting blood. The thrill of hearing them cough and choke like it was some sorta sick revenge for everything I had to go through.
It feels good, feeling the skin around your knuckles split because you've been punching somebody too long. It feels good to hear them cry, knock them off their pedestals. Because gangsters are always cocky, so it's especially fun. Hear them beg you to stop, apologize on their knees with blood and snot dripping out of their noses. Never knowing what they're even apologizing for, not really. Just knowing that my sneaker is their end-all.
( I like converses the most because they look really fashionable when they've got blood and vomit over them. I don't really get photography, but it reminds me of those photos that you find online. The ones that people post onto their social media sites because they think it makes them look 'edgy'. )
I'm not going to tell anyone this, because then they'll hate me. I don't want people to hate me.
I just want to cause a ruckus. want to be happy want to make them bleed want to be the person everyone thinks I am.
don't know anymore
 Siyaahi · Thu May 23, 2013 @ 10:46pm · 0 Comments |
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