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I cried myself to sleep, woke up and cried and am still crying. I've been in a really fragile state without really realizing it. What really set it off; I had spent all morning making a dough for a baguette for dinner to make Bruschetta. It was sliced and topped with bruschetta and I asked my mom to take it out of the oven and she dropped half of it on the floor accidentally. That was it ... the hairline crack split and voila .. my fragile state broke and I'm an emotional mess. I can't handle myself much longer in my current situation or any situation. I can't bare, stand, cope, handle, anything at this point. I can't sleep, I'm losing my appetite, I lost my interest in everything years ago. All I want is my sweet love, my security but no. No! I just had to ******** that up too the way I ******** everything up. So what am I left with? Absolutely nothing. It's an absolute dead end nothing. And to top it all off my depression is getting worse and I'm suicidal. My love kept that all away. I feel so damn lonely right now and wish I could just call her and hear her sweet voice, but no, I'm an absolute ******** up. I don't want to live without her. You have no idea how much I fight myself to keep calm when I e-mail with her. You have no idea how badly I just want to call her over and over and over until she answers and beg her to take me back. And you have no idea how closely my strength is to completely fracturing and crumbling. I am quickly becoming desperate and when I become desperate it's not good at all. You know, at first I thought that it would be a really good idea if my love hurt me really badly and told her to never talk to her again because it would of hurt me so deeply and utterly I would of stayed away. She wouldn't have done it either way and I honestly don't think I would of survived it. I cherish the tiny dribbles of e-mails I get from her right now, they keep me going, they are my life support. I want more ... I want her. She doesn't love me. A full on assault of asking for more would only push her away completely. Look how pathetic I am, I mean honestly, I've always known I was pathetic but I am lowly scum. Either way I am dying, I am going to die eventually. You know, I can't stand all these emotions that rack me at once, it's insane. I don't know what to do or what is to become of me. I have one of her letters on my desk and every time I look at it I burst into tears. I'm so lost. Nothing and no one can help me or ease me now; only one thing. But I'm not selfish enough to beg her to take me back, no. You can't force someone to love you that doesn't love you. So as of now I will continue to suffer silently until I break down. No, I don't have any friends to talk to, that is why I blog. I'm a lonely, desperate loser and still the utterly, most foul, worse kind.
 Wicked Alyce · Wed Apr 17, 2013 @ 09:09am · 0 Comments |
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