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...Do you ever go back to some old post or thing you have and go 'Jesus Christ, I sound childish/stupid/unpolished/idiotic/etc'? I was looking at some of my own old journal entries and things. I figure everyone gets that way soemtimes, and my own feelings are a mix of that, and smiling in understand of my own previous enthusiasm. It good to be enjoying yourself, right? I just wish I kept my composure better. xD

Anyway, it's true, I'm still alive despite my year or so hiatus from Gaia. I may or may be breaking this hiatus for reals, due to some time freeing up and missing some old friends around here. No promises, but I am ok, working, and generally fine as of writing.

Just pardon the ridiculous glove on my hand, I'm recovering from a second degree burn. No regrets, I still love being a cook.


Anyway, so what's on my mind right now? Keep in mind, I'm a bit of a depressing person, so this sounds pretty dark in parts.

As far as video games are concerned, I've lately been playing some translated Japanese Otome (girly dating type) games brought to my attention through popular Let's Play threads on Broken Forums. (I'm an Angie Gallant fan ever since I accidentally stumbled upon the ******** which is Hatoful Boyfriend. Wow. Pigeons. Conspiracy. Interspecies love. What.)

Hatoful's a nightmare for another day, though. The forums got me interested in playing for myself the BOYTOUCHING! Er, Tokimeki Memorial games. I've played the two for DS that I know of with English patches, Girl's Side 1st Love, and 2nd Season... For the sake of saving people some spoilers, when I go on my eventual rant, I'm leaving out details. My thoughts reflect on some details of a character's route right up to the last screens of the game.

So Tokimemo are your typical otome games with you as a high school student seeking love before you graduate. Even better, to celebrate re-realeasing these games from PS2 to DS, they introduced boytouching. Or at least, I believe that's how Angie first described it on a Qt3 playthrough of the first game... It's slightly less inappropriate than it sounds; mostly just tapping guy images from the chest up, signifying hand holding, or gentle contact with the wildly conservative dudes who think hand-holding is a riotous second base manuver. ...Though the second game... It gets more detailed and you can at least tease the boys into wildly, horribly, hormonal and inapropriate levels. xD Er, but that's fun to figure out on your own if you ever play the games. God, some of that dialogue makes me LAUGH. Especially when they start THINKING. Most of these guys don't do a lot of notable thinking...

So, in my opinion, the second game is decidedly better than the first. I form this opinion mostly on the writing and characters, which are critical to a game like this. It's not to say the first game is bad at all, or the characters have no merit, but I found the second game's chars and stories much more immersive. The main characters are always douchebags, but a lot of the boys are really loveable, the female friends are really likable, and I'm just enjoying the gameplay more.

Getting closer to my point, my second playthrough of the game taking one route in particular is my favorite, and has practically broken me for the game. I like the guy so much, I can hardly get other endings because I want to tear off and go hug him all day long. xD

I liked this character from the first time I saw him. He's so unbeliveably awkward and quirky you almost want to protect him from himself. As increadibly endearing as he already is at face value with that cuddly and always kind and childish behavior, I don't think that's what sent me over the edge into adoring a fictional person and having one of my revelations about myself from thinking too much.

As you play through his route and get to know him, trying to uncover more about his personal life and past beyond his happy-go-lucky and borderline suspicious facade, the more intriguing it gets. It doesn't take too much digging to find out his strange behavior is a result of something very wrong with his childhood and heaps of less than happy experiences. He keeps silent about the full story until his ending, though. And when he finally takes the time to tell you much of his story in depth, that's where I couldn't help connecting with the concepts described in this character.

He regales to you about a life that left him as an adult that doesn't really know how to relate to other people and glides through the world detached, lonely, and longing for lost time. What touched me the most is where he describes leaving his younger life behind because he was unhappy, but having no real destination. He goes into detail about how he didn't stay in one place or with any specific people, just drifting from place to place, passing time, waiting to die. He felt no purpose, few emotions anymore, no goal, no focus, he just existed.

It didn't hit me until a day or two after I finished his story that I realized why it spoke to me... I remembered some conversations I had both with a relative and a friend of mine during some minor nervous breakdowns recently. I basically admitted out loud that the only reason I keep getting out of bed each day is because I'm still waking up. I do whatever responsibilities I have and keep trying to keep my life together just because I'm still alive. I don't really have dreams anymore, no hope or light at the end of the tunnel. Life sucks, and then you die. I've known this for as long as I can remember. I take pleasure in the small things and live day to day, because it's all I can stomach in my reality.

And it hit me then, how much I was like that character in the game and why I felt so close to him. Even though he wasn't real, that writing, that feeling, it was the same as mine.

And I discovered that put me in a great mood.

That connection, that relatable feeling, that impression of a burden shared, or at least comprehended on a level I have trouble expressing to people who've never quite experienced the same... It was weirdly relieving. And I'm still cheerful. I feel happy. My circumstances haven't changed, but the experience has left me a bit lighter and more optomistic.

I'm thankful for that. Those little things make it all worth it. I really like that character. I really do...


That madness compelted, here's some links to join into my fandoms and insanity if you're interested in any of these things I enjoy.

Angie Gallant's Let's Play threads are amazing.

Angie's Tokimemo 1 playthrough
Tokimemo 2 playthrough
Hatoful Boyfriend Demo Playthrough
Hatoful Fullgame playthrough

Broken Forum Playthrough of Tokimemo 1 (Not Angie, seperate author)

I also reccomend looking into Hatoful Boyfriend and even the Tokimemo games yourself. Hatoful should be easy to get a hold of, but Tokimemo's a bit trickier, especially to get in English patched version... It helps if you know a little about getting games to run on your computer, and maybe even loitering around forums of people who do, like Broken forum... wink

....If you read the let's plays, Angie will tell you Himuro's the best teacher. I like his character, but he's so uptight. She has nothing good to say about the second game's teacher, but I enjoyed him much better. Besides, one of the normal schoolboys in the second game is an adorable clone of Himuro and literally related to him, so it's not like that aspect of personality or gameplay is lost.. xD rantrantrant I like second sensei... He is defintely full of WTF though. I will not deny it.