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Everything that I think lately boils down to two distinct thoughts, usually sandwiching whatever is trying to break through the fog in my head.
"I miss my girl. I miss my girl so much."
Always followed by whatever it is that is scraping against the little tiny boat I am mentally and emotionally floating in; which in turn makes me think the second most worn out thought I am having:
"I will do it tomorrow."
I truly know she is in a better place. I also know I am being purely greedy; I am a creature of little patience and no tolerance in certain regards, both facets of myself I am trying to fix. Therein lies the Catch-22 of trying to fix those qualities in myself: the fact I am trying to fix them is part of the not having any patience or tolerance. I have no patience or tolerance of my not having any patience or tolerance.
If that thought hurts your head you have now gotten a taste of why I pretty much keep a constant headache.
I know my girl is in a better place. I also have felt her presence around me a couple of key times since that day that reminds me she is not truly gone. I also stand by my decision, as hard as it was to make because I knew how much I would miss her: I'd rather her be in a better place with no pain then be here with me just because I am so damned emotionally-stunted that I could not put her needs first. No, I know her time had come; I know in that regard I did the right thing.
I just miss her. I am a flawed human, a being that wants its comforts as much as the next. The things that comfort me are just different then most people's ideas of comfort. Being so introverted has taught me that; one of the better things that age has taught me is that my needs are as important as anyone else's needs, and that just because I am in the minority does not mean I should not heed them.
It is just that one of my admittedly few sources of comfort has been taken silently and with my aching permission off the table.
Yes, I see the contradictions; no, I am not saying I would have had her suffer. I guess I am just saying that I am tired of (A) having to defend/lie about/cover up the fact I am hurting and (B) it would be nice to be able to be honest without anyone arguing with me, belittling how I feel or flat-out refusing to acknowledge it (that is not aimed at anyone on here; no one on Gaia has done any of that, but it has been done and I am not emotionally evolved enough to be able to respond in a cheerful manner over it). I get it, I get it- not everyone's an animal person. Gotcha. And I am not asking that the entire world come to a stand-still. I do not want special treatment, I just...want to be left alone, not get picked at (notice I did not say "picked on", I said "picked at"- there is a marked difference).
I guess I just wish that if I got a little slow at times because all of a sudden it has occurred to me on a whole new level what has happened, or if I suddenly just shut down all together for a couple of seconds as I gather myself...well, I guess that I wish that could be allowed. But it's not. Not in my world. There is just too much to be done, too many people that need me to continue dancing my part. It is not so much of a "I can not let people down" issue as much as "I can not produce what is needed out of thin air so that I can take the time I need to gather myself back together."
Well.
Actually...
There are a few things in the works; nothing I am going to expound upon here and now but there are some changes about to be made that, I know, will aid in my efforts for a brighter future. So there is hope, even in the midst of my whinging.
All of this loops back around to the original reason I started this entry: I know I am behind on all manner of things, both on my computer and off; right now, that is the main issue I have with things, with the fact that it seems like life is just hurtling along faster then ever when if there was a Pause button I'd break both damn hands hitting it. There is so much to do; just thinking about it cramps my mind up and I think the same old, worn out and faded thought.
"I will do it tomorrow."
There's tons of things at work that I put off during each shift to deal with on my next shift. There is a constant and steady stream of work to do at the apartment: dishes that need to be washed, laundry needing to be dealt with (not just washed, but there are still piles taller then I am that I have just let sit where I unpacked them when we first moved in), constant cleaning and straightening up...
I take a look at the dishes.
Those? I will do them tomorrow.
Get ready for next week?
Screw it. I can do it tomorrow.
Gather up all the stuff I need to give to everyone? All the late Christmas/birthday/Valentine's Day/just because presents?
...Well, I have let that stuff sit for this long...
The PMs have piled up once more. The email inbox is clogged.
If it has not been working, curling up into the couch under blankets and sleeping, raging/melting down at poor Strawberry, D2 or staring blankly at things while thinking my two thoughts over and over then it has not gotten done.
This entry is not an entry promising progress. It is not a blazing declaration of how I am hard at work with some kind of rough estimate of completion, no cheerful promises of where I am in managing stuff on here. I am barely managing all the stuff going on offline; what energy I have has to go towards making sure I go to work and behave. The rent and bills must be paid.
I guess this entry is a "No, I am not dead; no, I am not really here, either" entry, a half apology/half confession. I am trying to be here. I am trying very hard to be here. It is just that I am in the position to have only a little bit of energy and a lot of things that require a lot of energy. I just have to focus on other stuff at the moment, the kind of stuff that tires me to think about, let alone having to do them.
I will be back all the way eventually. I will find it in me to pick up all the balls again and start my act once more but for the moment I am not pushing myself anymore then I absolutely have to. If I lose anyone over that...I accept that. I accept it and will not even be a bit bothered by it. I have been a welcome mat in the past, hiding my hurts in order to take care of others despite my best self and all that did was produce a jaded, aggravated introvert. The good, nice part is that I am not asking anything of anyone. What I need is inside of me and only I can find it and produce it. I ask nothing of anyone else, though I am and have been blessed with so much unexpected kindness that just thinking about it makes my eyes fill.
Thank you for all the kindness.
I'll take the next step, whatever that is, tomorrow.
 RadiantFlare · Sat Apr 02, 2011 @ 09:02am · 1 Comments |
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