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If I could change the world... |
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I am going to do both you and myself a favor and warn you now that what lies beyond the cut will be much of my usual rambling, but this time of a completely different kind.
Do not bother reading unless you really want to know what is going on in my head and my life at the moment. I warn you now: I have not always been in my right mind these past couple of days so what follows may or may not be lucid, heart-warming or enlightening.
I am not apologizing for what lies past this because I started with this warning and because I needed to write this out. For myself. If you read it then I thank you; I truly appreciate it but this is really just because I am trying to write myself back.
<span id="test32917671">. . .</span><br/><div id="post32917671" style="display:none; margin-right:75px;">
 I have wracked my already wracked mind nearly stupid trying to figure out how to write this. Because writing this entry means having to face certain things- really face them, since it means I am sharing with the world- and since sharing it will make it that much harder to turn away from, I have been trying to figure out just how to word and verbalize how I feel right now.
Because I have to face it. Face it means coming to terms with it, means finding some kind of meaning that I can accept and embrace and find some kind of peace with. Which sounds all kinds of neat and good and pretty except for my being the kind of person that thinks "accepting things" is just another way of saying "I give up", three little words I never utter because I never give up.
But I gave up Friday night- sooner, if I were to be completely honest- but Friday night was when the thought came into my mind and I knew without a doubt what would come to pass Saturday morning. And it did. And now I am trying to find my way in a completely different reality; a cruel reality I do not trust at the moment since it resembles my old reality enough to startle me when I realize the life I knew a few sweet weeks ago is completely gone.
I wonder what will be taken next.
So I gave up. I accepted that I could not change something. In truth I had been inching towards that acceptance for a few weeks. Roughly two months- if not a little longer since my intuition had been whispering then screaming at me. I am at least without the fear that had I listened to it earlier then all this would not have happened. It was going to happen. It was just a matter of my old nemesis time. That [********].
So I go to sleep at night knowing that what happened was bound to happen, in one form or the other but here is the cruelest twist of the knife:
I am fully aware that how it happened was the best possible outcome.
That is partially what makes all this a nightmare for me.
I can not parse what has happened down enough to even wrap my head around it. All I know is that I hurt so bad that I do not even mind admitting that I hurt. It all seems so unimportant now- oh, so I used to have so much pride that I would bottle and bottle and bottle and repress and deny and lie about how fine I was and blah blah blah...None of that matters anymore.
I have been humbled.
I've been more then humbled. I have had my heart broken. I used to think that I was untouchable, unreachable and unbreakable. Well, now I know what it takes.
Someone texted me the words "I am sorry for your loss." so I tried to absorb that. I turned it over and over in my head, feeling with numb fingers every corner and curve of the words because they made no sense to me. I tried to figure out what the word "loss" meant to me. I thought that was how I could open this entry, by trying to explain what the word "loss" means to me.
Loss means no more sweet, fuzzy face happy to see me after I have been gone for a few hours. It means no more waking up in the middle of the night with a comforting warmth laying on my chest, no more little kissies all over my face- no matter how I feel but always when I feel down. It means an empty lap, washing certain dishes for the last time, no more playing and no more hugging up such a tiny but bursting with sweetness little body.
It means no more tiny little sighs in the middle of the night as we both stretch out and no more little footsteps prancing around the apartment. No more of so many small but countless and completely important little details. No more sweet eyes, no more "talking" to one another from separate rooms. It means a kind of silence I find deafening, a kind of silence I never wanted and now which makes me strain for the hint of a jingle.
But none of that comes close to fully explaining what the word means for me.
I know she is in a better place. I well and truly believe that- that is not what is eating at me now, though when I can get past the storm of my emotions I can sense some comfort in knowing such a thing. Not just feeling it, but knowing it. I know she is in a better place and I know I am only crying over myself, because I miss her so much and the time between now and when I see her again feels like an unimaginable void.
So I have surrounded myself with pictures of her. Reminders. I have her collar and the ribbon she has loved to hate since she was a kitten in front of me. If I can have a picture or reminder of her I have it- on here as well as around my room because I want so badly to have as much of her essence around me as possible.
I know that soon I have to pack up her things. Her litter box and food and toys and dishes...Candle has been a part of my life for nearly thirteen years of my life. Losing her, even though I had months to try to acclimate, has done a number on me.
She's physically gone, my sweet lovely girl. She passed away this past Saturday morning at the vet's. I made the decision to let her go instead of waiting on the sickness to get worse, because it was already breaking my heart to watch her hardly able to walk, to hear her struggle to breath at night. I made the decision and for the most part I do not regret it so much as find the horror of it impossible to come to terms with right now. There's a horror in watching something you have loved, cared for and protected fall apart and fade away. I promised since we were both young to always take the best care of her that I could and I watched her grow sicker with something I could not save her from.
There's a horror in deciding what I decided. I know I did the right thing- that, like where her soul is now is not what is eating me alive. I did the right thing though it hurt so much that I wept like a baby where people could see me; I did the right thing for her because I loved her too much to watch her suffer. I did not want her to be in any more pain, I did not want her to get to the point where she was obviously hurting just because I needed one more night with her.
It would not have been fair or right or kind or loving to keep her here even as I could watch her fading.
I guess it's that horror that I can not get away from.
I logically know my little friend was not going to live forever- just like I also logically know that she left this world in the best way possible. I have read and been told there was no pain. I got to hold her for a little while after the anesthetic had been given so I know she just...went to sleep.
I guess it is just hard for me to reconcile this new reality where she is just a memory with my old reality where she's playing and rolling around and being the sweet little angel I fell so in love with. I wanted a Maine Coon since I was a child. Candle was a gift to me in so many ways. A completely unexpected gift from above, when I least expected it and needed it the most. She was a source of comfort through the hardest times in my life.
Now she's gone from this reality. I loved and cared for her as if she were my child, which in some ways I feel was very much the truth. I have no urge to be a mother but the feelings of wanting to love and take care of something was not lost on me. She was such a good, good friend. She made me laugh and obviously cared for me, bumbling, stupid, silly human that I am.
I am taking that with me into this new reality- I am wrapping that around me like a cloak, an armor against what is coming in the days ahead. She loved me. She was something I did not have to have- I said this the night before to my Count and stand by it: I have not been gifted so many things that most people take for granted but this was something I completely was blessed in having. So many good things people take for granted are luxuries I have not been given but must earn...except for her. She was my seventeenth birthday present and she gave so much more to me then I could ever say in all the years since then. I am blessed to have had her, blessed that we had these years together. I can and will cry over her being gone from my side but I am just crying because I miss her that much and because I am so grateful I had her for as long as I did. If life has taught me anything it is that there's no guarantee of joy, happiness or peace of mind...so when you find it you have to hold tightly to it and be thankful.
And I am very thankful for her. I will always be. I just miss her so, so much.
Before you say any kind words to me or wish any kind of positive energy, send it to Count Nanu first. I call him many names- if you read enough stuff from me you will see him referred to as Strawberry, my Alucard or other endearing names but it is all the same person and right now he's stuck under the same roof with someone whose been emotionally blasted apart and is now trying to blindly glue the pieces back together. He was there with me through all of this and even went into the room with me at the vet's. He did not have to but he did; for the first time in my life I have found myself not wanting to be alone and he's stuck with me and been so sweet and so caring.
I am well aware of how lucky and blessed I have been. I hurt right now but I know it is for a reason, I know things will work out; this too shall pass. I have faith I will hold my sweet girl again. After all these years of knowing when I get home she will be there...well, it will not be heaven for me if Candle's not there to welcome me back after a hard day at work, be it in this world or the next. Just like these past few years she is waiting for me and I can not stress enough how good it will feel to get Home again and love on my little fluffy angel.
God gave me this little Candle to help me find my way through the darkness back Home again; I was lost in the dark and misery but thanks to her I found my way again. Just because for the moment I can not physically see her does not mean that light is gone. She's still with me; she's just waiting on me to get Home again.
And when I do, it is going to feel so good to scoop her up and cuddle on her; for something so little she always made me so happy. I hope she knew that; wherever she is now I hope she can feel just how much I care for her still.
If you love something you have to let it go.
You can not hold a butterfly with a fist.
 RadiantFlare · Sun Mar 20, 2011 @ 04:27am · 0 Comments |
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