Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

A lot has happened in this time I've neglected to write in here.
Remember that general unhappiness that defined me? It doth linger but it also doth restrict me less. So many things have been based on weak foundations because I hated me compared to everyone else. My view was so twisted and I never even really cared to think about it.
I let a lot of hostility go and have freed myself because of it.

- I told my mom what I believe, which I wanted to procrastinate until... I begin planning my wedding xD and mentioning I don't want to do it at a church. xDDD

- I started dancing again, mainly because one o' my pals is a dancing foo. I may SUCK at it but hey, better than sitting and letting my pancake booty turn into a waffle. D: !!

- I FINALLY am reinforcing my backbone. Why? Because there is no such thing as spinelessness. You just break it and overlook your own feelings. You depend on complasiance to feel while you yourself fall apart.

- The guilt. I will never TRULY relinquish myself of all my guilt but I can stop wallowing in self-hatred and take away from it. And it's funny, I thought I was SO self-aware for knowing that I was unhappy but not pinpointing why is like... diagnosing cancer without any advice for treatment or preventative care. It was all-consuming and I ate myself up for YEARS.

- Lying. It REALLY doesn't matter why you're doing it. It's wrong. The truth DOES hurt. Don't let anyone tell you honesty is all dandiness and sunshine; but if you think things are bad NOW, think of how bad things are gonna get when it comes out that you've lied and lied to cover your lies. Phew! Good luck.

- A change of scenery makes all the difference.

- Mom. *sighs and then chuckles* She's crazy but then again, one would have to be in order to LIVE with me and LOVE me.

- Cleaning. I f*cking hate it as much as I used to but I KNOW what an infestation problem is like and REFUSE to stroll that street again.

- Passion: it doesn't die. It may flicker or hide behind its own smoulder, but it simply won't leave. Though I won't be fresh out of high school, leaping into an English major, I won't let my love for literature die.

- Stress. I do it WAY too often. I'm VERY easy to scare because I'm so jittery and A LOT of my hair fell out because I wouldn't let myself relax.

- Boys. Let them come as they may. If I REALLY felt like flirting, I'd give it a go. I'm in no hurry. HOWEVER, my heart is currently on a leash. Not healthy but I won't give up on him until the probabilites are against a future.

- Clothes and weight. EXERCISE! I hate it but if I ever want to get back into my skinny jeans, it's gonna be because I squatted until my legs couldn't move. Damn thighs...

- Dreams. I realized I never had any. xD I had so much faith in possibilites that I never dreamed! So when the idea of my future was crushed, I think it was feeling cheated and being lost that made me crumble rather than... despair. Lol, lost because I closed my eyes to my future and WALLOWED again. xDDD I know what you're thinking: Why is she such a b*tch? xD

- Shoes. >.> I'm gonna start a shoe collection. No more ugly shoes. EVAR. and no flip-flops.

- Money. I think I am mature enough to handle money, considering I pay bills for my mom but there is so much I need to learn to do.

- Mom's wisdom. I always assumed her wisdom was outdated but... she has life experience. o.o Though I'd try to ignore her, I realized over time that assuming things about your parent('s/s') past and WHY they are who they are is just... You miss out on why your parents care so much about certain things when you push them away.

- Haha, I still need to work on this one. Things I do when I'm hyper leads to PUSHING in certain relationships. Only 2 thus far, but still, I'm noticing a trend.

- THINK ABOUT IT: Many of the things I learned from took THINKING. You have to figure yourself out or someone else will bend your non-existent view of yourself. I'm not gonna say: I'm a beautiful black woman in the mirror and believe it. But saying I'm not ugly and have self-respect REALLY makes all the difference.

- Almost 19. I've been on Gaia for YEARS. I've grown a lot, mostly recently. It's been a wild ride and since my hip's not broken yet, I'm gonna keep truckin'.