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I made an Oyuugi Wagamama Dan x Paradeis Guild o: if I get no members at least the links page is convenient to me. I also found some super rare videos in the process of making the youtube links page, so that in its self was worth it. I..I found the Mashiro Dance lesson video...its FANTASTIC. He's so adorable and awkward. I also found the Making of Onigokko o.o its a dream come true. I always wondered what was going on behind the scenes. They didn't show the making of my favorite part, but it was wonderous all the same.

On a different subject...

I am quickly learning that I don't fit in anywhere XD I'm not lolita, I'm not aristocrat, and now goths are rejecting me, too! I want to be something. I am myself, and I know who I am. I just wanted a community similar to me. The goths were outright meanass about it, too. Just like the lolita were (or as they called themselves, "rori" wink . The goths were like, "you don't listen to Western goth music you're not goth, and the Eastern 'gawth' music you listen to is not goth." They listed bands that are goth in Japan and I was like, "I listen to some of those..." but I feel an all-over unwelcoming attitude. I shouldn't get myself in a mess with myself over it, though. Just remembered that the gay community doesn't really like me either because I'm not oversexed.

...brain: "I feel hopeless...kill yourself..."

I can't do that, brain. And hopefully with new anti-depressants these thoughts will go away, too. I just get this feeling sometimes where everything stops. Its sort of like being in a forest covered in snow, and you know you're all alone. All of a sudden, the heart stops. The breath stops. The sound stops. The footsteps stop. I can't move. I can't breathe. I can't live. I stare ahead and there's nothing but endless trees and white. And like something is flying towards me that I can't see something says to me: "...kill yourself..." but I can't die. I can't live and I can't die. So what is there? Eventually I will start to move again, but there's just endless nothingness. There's just nothingness.

I also wonder if anyone really does care about me. You know, truly cares to hear about my day, truly cares to hear if I'm depressed, truly cares to hear if I'm happy. I guess maybe I'm lonely. And depressed. My voice is messed up because of the asthma (coughing fits and raw throat makes me not able to hold a tune), and I am terrified it might be permanent. Its not like anyone but me would miss it, though... Overall no one likes the format of my book series (diary format). The diary format is an art in its self, mastery of it is quite hard. It takes a wizard to do that kind of pacing. But no one cares for it. So that's a bust. I still enjoy writing it, but who knows how long that may last.

I don't know.