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This will probably not benefit anybody who's reading this right now, but I like to document thoughts that I have, considering the fact that if I don't I won't remember about any of it. And these are definitely thoughts I don't really want to forget.

I am having an almost literal war in my head. Everything I'm doing is wrong. I've been seeing it everywhere today, more so than ever. It's not so much my actions that are causing this wrongness as the thoughts and intent behind those actions. I'm not giving examples, but it's just something that's been niggling at the back of my mind.

I used to have an iron grip on what went into and out of my head. I was the beast of being able to control everything that went on inside of it. I could reshape myself any way I chose, be anyone I wanted. Now, I'm starting to feel as if my thoughts might be raging out of control, and it's my fault that they're doing it. They are my thoughts after all-- I should be able to control them. But now, it's gotten to the point where I'm worried that it might just be getting out of hand so much that I need some serious remodeling up here in my head.

None of this is physical. All of it is mental, and that's where the physical starts to become real. I can understand forgetfulness-- that isn't anything new. I've always been forgetful. But things that I have come to accept have been broken down, and now I have holes that I have to patch up in my head because I need to be able to define things all over again.

It might not make sense. It hardly makes sense to myself. But I can sense that I'm changing, and not in good ways. There are markers that show that I need to start fixing myself, because, in my mind, I'm malfunctioning. In a sense, I've sort of lost my innocence, something that I hold near and dear to myself. I should've protected it, but I didn't. Once it's lost, it's lost. Once you learn something, you can never really forget it. It's still there, buried. And if it's not something good that you just learned, it's stuck there. I've been feeding my mind utter crap, and I'm hating all of it now because it doesn't go away.

Self-control and an iron fist around my brain is going to be essential for a while. And I may need time to think about it. So, to those who actually read this minddump, remember that if I ever go off by myself and just sit to think once in a while. It's not something I do often, and that's part of the problem.