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"You don't have to speak because I can hear your heart beat, fluttering like butterflies searching for a drink
You don't have to cover up how you feel when you're in love
I'll always know I'm not enough to even make you think."

"Please, slow down, girl
We're moving way too fast for their world
We've gotta make this last"

"I miss you so much, a self-inflicted coma
The days drag on like marathons running with bare feet
And when I feel the stress, I'm lonely and depressed"
"I picture you in the dress you wore four weeks ago"

"You don't have to speak because I can hear your heartbeat
Fluttering like butterflies searching for a drink
You don't have to cover up how you feel when you're in love
I'll always know I'm not enough to even make you think"

"Please, slow down, girl
We're moving way too fast for their world
We've gotta make this last
I know it hurts to feel so all alone
I'm by myself, more then you could know"

If only they were all alone...
They were all alone...

(When I listen to that song, Decembers by Hawthorne Heights, I picture Hawksley and I talking to each other. It's stupid, I know, but I do.)


I feel so depressed this morning. I remember asking Hawksley last night if he was physically attracted to me. After a long and drawn-out process in which I cried and he tried to calm me down, he finally told me to ask again. So I did, and he said "Hmm. I'm not sure. I think so. When I imagine a woman, I see you. Does that mean yes?"

God, he's really trying. He really is. He told me he missed me yesterday, too. And when I asked him how long he would let me stay in November, if it was his choice, he said "I... don't know. A long time." I can manage nine days. He wanted all that time. I offered to cut it down if he liked, to five, but he said no. Which makes me happy.

I have a question, though... He lies. He's admitted that. He once told me he was attracted to me, and he'd never been attracted to anybody before. But I asked if he was attracted to me anyway, because he had told me that weeks ago, and he had told me he loved me around the same time, which he admitted was a lie. I told him I was sorry for not trusting him. He said "Ok. That I sorta understand. Trusting me is... something I can't honestly ask you to do."
What the hell does that mean? Does it mean he's trying to change that? Is there supposed to be a "yet" there at the end? Or is it just "I can't tell the truth to you. Don't trust me."?

I don't know. I like that he's trying, though. From what I can tell. I don't know if he really means it or not, but I hope he does.

And then there's Kay. Kay.
Once again, Kay.
She walked back into my life, of her own accord. Asked me to put the past behind us. Told me that she missed me. A lot, apparently.
I don't know what to think of it. I told her okay, I brought her back into my life. I accepted her friend request. We talked for about an hour yesterday.
She asked how Ganon and everyone was. (Not by name. She couldn't remember their names.) When he told her to ask him herself, she wrote him off. Acted like he wasn't even there. Seemed to think I was "playing pretend".
Look, I don't know if she's noticed or not, but I'm crazy. Okay? I'm crazy.
And so are the other four people I've met with the same disease.
Yeah. I'm not alone. I've met other people that believe the same things I do.
So if we're crazy, if we've all got the worst possible case of split-personality disorder, then I have something to say to it:
Yeah. We're crazy. All of us. And we're damn happy being this way. We may be crazy. They may just be figments of our imagination. But you know what? Figments or not, they're important to us. And you damn well better respect them.
Don't treat us like we're idiots. Don't treat us like we're beneath you. You're not better than us. At the very least, we are equals.

That irks me so badly. I think she thinks everything's okay between us. It's not. When Stephan told her that she had quite literally broken my heart more completely than anyone else ever could, he wasn't joking. I was just moving past this. Just barely. I stopped aching to talk to her. I stopped needing her. I stopped crying over her. I was accepting that it happened, and life needed to move forward. I was moving forward.
I took her back because she asked me to. Because she needs me. I don't know how I feel about it, yet.
But she better not, not for one instant, think that I've forgotten. Everything she said that day is burned on my heart. I can bring it up to memory right now, every word. Every single one. I read those damn pms so many times in disbelief that I memorized them. You chased me away, Catherine. You chased me away with a pitchfork and a torch, shunning me because you were terrified of me.

*sigh* I hate harboring all this anger. Maybe I should speak to the Goddess... ask her to help Kay understand. Who knows? Maybe this is her will, that Kay reach out to me this way.

I think she needs me. So I'll be here for her. But she shouldn't, not for one second, think that I trust her right now. I don't trust anyone anymore. I don't even trust Koneko. I'm alone. I've come to terms with this.

Hawksley's a liar. Koneko's hurtful when she gets too emotional, and she'll become vindictive, hitting you where it hurts. Kay'll do anything to get away. Corrina'll block you out if she's upset with you, and then hit you where it hurts. Berry shuts down and acts like you don't exist when he's upset.

The only one that hasn't hurt me yet is Jesse. And I'm convinced it's getting ready to happen here, one of these days. Everyone has. Why not her too? Especially because she's a woman. Women can't be trusted.

Isn't that right, Kay? "I'll never abandon you. I want to show you that women aren't that bad. I want you to trust me ^_^"