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This is so much worse then all the other times. I can't deal with this bullshit anymore I shouldn't have to. I don't even know if what I hope is really the problem.
Part of me hopes that REALLY the problem is I'm stupid and just not good at stuff, because at least then I got the same chance as everyone else.
And part of me hopes that this is all because of my disability because if it's not that I suck. If this has nothing to do with my disabilities then I'm just stupid and not worth it.
But I'm tired of having them, I'm tired of dealing with it. Why does this hurt so bad right now? Why do I want to cry every 5 minutes. I wont this over with I'm sick of it and it's not fair. It must just be me. The other kids move around their disabilities just fine. I must just be a moron I must just be retarded. If that true, if it's all my fault then I'm a stupid ******** waste of space, breathing someone else's precious air wasting time until the earth claims me back into the circle of life.
******** the earth.
******** disabilities
******** striving in the face of adversity
******** trying
******** caring
******** my stupid face
******** my lazy a**
******** me for being an idiot
******** me for clearly not trying hard enough.
******** everything.
If I'm not trying hard enough yet, I'm not really sure if I could try much harder without exploding. I'm full of excuses, I'm sure life isn't all as hard as I make it out to be, if it was we all would have killed ourselves by now. Wouldn't we? WHY? GODDAMNIT! I'm sick and tired and sad and angry. Part of me wants to punch a whole in the wall part of me wants to jump off a bridge part of me wants to live in a dark corner for the rest of my life and part of me just wants to get wasted and stop caring.
(((BTW if we're friends and that scared you, you can suck it because thats what my head sounds like 50% of the time. You're just hearing one of my many things I don't say out loud. No matter how hard it is to believe that I don't literally say everything that pops into my head.)))