Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

You know how the kind of people you'd normally never ever approach, let alone talk to more than you really had to... turn out to be your best friends by some weird chance? You know... the "ugly" kind. The losers... The uncool. Because they are often so much more than they seem, and at that they beat anyone who's nice to look at and seems "cool" but is nothing but a hollow shell.

I've got a friend. Let's just call him J for short. He's the kind of person people make fun of, blame him for stuff that happens and it's generally not very cool to announce to your other friends that you're hanging with him. I've learned to trust him though, because he's never let me down. He's actually always been there for me, no matter how bad things were looking for me. And not only to comfort me, but he really puts his heart into getting me out of trouble. But of course... I'm not a very good friend. Actually speaking: I suck at being a good friend. And so hanging with the cool crowd has been far more important for me than talking to him every once in a while. And when I met my (now former) boyfriend, and when he made fun of J I got embarassed and never talked to him again. So life went on. I changed schools for the 5th time, I tried hard to impress my man, I stopped seeing my other friends so I could fully dedicate my life to him. I fought a raging battle rather than seeing happy days. I got even more arrogant than I already was before that. People around me had this general attitude of admiration paired with hatred when they looked at me, I guess. Because I was the best at everything I touched. I fought for this one dream. It was my fuel. Moving in with my boyfriend and leaving the whole miserable past behind. I gave up everything for this. Literally. Friends, family, my "home" (even though I never felt at home anywhere I've lived, really) and any and all other connections. J too, of course. And then I graduated. I stood on that stage, I held a giant bouquet symbolizing my dreams and the fact that people HAD to acknowledge my hard work. It was something that I had fought to achieve, and somewhere down there sat my boyfriend, wearing a tux. Handsome stuff! And when I asked him if he was proud of me, all he said was "Don't boast about it!" This really crushed me on the inside. I knew then that he was the one person in the crowd that did not acknowledge my hard work. He was the one I'd worked my a** off for, and he wasn't even proud of my success.

So we moved in. I started college. He left me. I ended up in a room near the college.

And I thought I would die. The SOLE reason for my existence, this man, had utterly crushed everything I'd fought for. My dream had become a nightmare, and I never even admitted it to myself. He had lost my respect a long time ago, when I first felt that he wasn't as concerned about me as I was about him, but this dream, this relationship, was worth fighting for. And I had fought for it, even when I knew that it was going to be over. And even though I knew that it was killing me to live with him.

So I was lying in my bed and I wanted to die. I wanted my life to be taken away from me because I couldn't take it anymore. I felt physically too weak to do it myself. And then I remembered J, and I cried out my heart to him. Even though I had ignored him for over 3 years, he was still there for me when nobody else would have given a damn if I died or not. I cried and cried and didn't know how to stop. And then he reminded me of a promise I'd given him many, many years ago. I started shaking like crazy - now I know what being electrocuted must be like. I trembled because this promise was giving me a brand new purpose, and suddenly my life wasn't empty anymore. What's even more stunning was the fact that suddenly all of my emotional pain was gone. I mean... you don't get broken up with and don't carry any emotional scars afterwards. Some people never fully recover from a shattered relationship. If it hadn't been for J, I don't think I would have survived that night. But he was there for me. In my darkest hour he was there and kept me alive.

Ever since, he's done so much for me. He introduced me to his other friends, he helped me out when I got my head caught in a sling again. I can just burst out in tears when I'm talking to him, it's alright. And his other really good friends are amazing. They know just how awesome he is and when I'm talking to them they understand me. They don't look at me funny when I'm telling them that I'm friends with J. So I met more people in the past 2 months than I met in the past 3 years. My life now is so much happier, and while I still stop to think about my ex boyfriend every now and then I can honestly say that I would never ever want that life back that I've been living for way too long. No money could ever bribe me back into that. I think about him and I'm sad, because he doesn't have what I got. He never had an amazing friend like that. But J puts his arms around me when this makes me sad, and he takes me partying when I feel down. With him around, I suddenly LIVE again. I never even remembered what this felt like at all. I had forgotten all about it. And this is not to blame my ex on any of it. He's just different from me, and we got to see each other at the worst when we were both dreaming unrealistic dreams. These things happen. But thanks to this relationship my life got its purpose back.

Oh. And J's full name is Jesus. I don't want to keep you from knowing that. I don't have to hide our friendship under a rock anymore, thank you very much.