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I've told myself over and over before I went. I've known it since the moment I watched my host mom walk away for the last time at 4 o'clock in the morning from behind the check-in. I've felt it since I first looked out the plane's window and saw Berlin. My life hasn't been the same ever since my stay in Oklahoma. It's where I found myself after years of constant longing and searching. The things I've seen there, the people I was given to guide and help me through, the many friends I've made... All that did not happen by accident. Even as I'm writing this, nearly 5 years after coming back to a place that was no longer my home, I don't feel like I quite belong here. I've changed, moved, slept with a bunch of guys. I made new friends and lost them. Somehow my life kept moving on, and I lost myself in those little everyday wars I had to fight. The people here are smarter, meaner. They will tell you to your face if they've got a problem. Or if they don't like the way you look.
I became one of them again. Society slowly swallowed me back up. I became one of those nameless, gray people with empty eyes. My dreams were locked away in my heart. I kept moving, I kept falling. I kept watching myself shrink in the distance as I was absorbed by life. Pride became my motivation, my fuel. The wish to be a better, taller gray nobody and peak out of the mass of gray nobodies became my goal. So I grew my emptiness, and trampled over the ones I could bury beneath my feet. Arrogance made me feel whole and filled me out for a moment. I needed more.
There were moments when I felt something else. There were these moments when I suddenly felt colorful again. There were these moments when I could pray and lose myself in my Lord. When I could watch the clouds as I walked in the midst of all those gray people. When I knew I didn't have to worry about a thing.
But hatred and anger quickly suffocated this feeling. Most of all I felt guilty for not matching the expectations I had on myself. A voice inside my head kept telling me that no matter what I did, I would never be the Christian I wanted to be, and that I wasn't worthy of feeling colorful. What made me better than all those other gray people, after all?
So I crumbled. I fought the quicksand like an idiot. Then I gave up, gave in to the fact that I could never be close to what I wanted to be.

Until my former history teacher told me this today:

David Bounds
Sometimes I wish that Christians would spend more time applying the teachings of Jesus Christ to their own lives instead of trying to pick random teachings out of the Bible to hammer other people over the head. We like to point fingers at others while ignoring the problems we all have adhering to the teachings of Jesus, ourselves. All have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God...

Car Ina Aren't you pointing fingers there yourself? Just a thought.
And by saying that, I become guilty of the very same thing...

David Bounds No, I"m not. You see, I AM a Christian, so when I say that I wish Chrisitans would act differently, I include myself. In addition, I realize that I am guilty of the same things. I am just longing for the Church (of which I am a part) to get back to basics. Nor am I judging these individuals for this. I know that I am guilty of sin, too. There is a difference in making an observation about how Chrisitans should behave and judging individuals for not living up to Christ's teachings.

Car Ina I've been to the point of actually being ashamed of belonging to the Christian faith. For one because the people who run around with their heads up high and look down on all "sinners" cast a bad light on everyone else, and on the other hand because I know I'm even worse than they are. So I decided I simply couldn't be a Christian because I can't live up to the expectations I have on myself.

David Bounds
But Carina, THAT is what Christ taught us! We cannot live up to the expectations. All have sinned and fall short of God's expectations. that is why Christ died for us. He became sin so that we could become righteous in God's sight. THAT is ...the essence of Christianity. Not living a life that is better than anyone else's. Don't worry about comparing yourself to others or of even trying to live up to some expectation that you have set for yourself. Just love God and love your neighbor as yourself. THAT, according to Jesus, is what it is all about.

Car Ina You might not be good at hammering historical dates into my brain but you're good at making me cry. Thank you...

David Bounds Oh, those tears are flowing on both sides of the Atlantic. God loves you. So do I. Just pass it on to those you come in contact with!