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Okay!
Hello, Gaia.
Hello, future me.
Hello, past me.
So much has happened while I was away, why didn't you call?
Well, never you mind that. I forgive you.
So last time we chatted, it was about...the 7th month of the 2009'th year.
Wow.
"Tonight my head is spinning, I need something to kick me up" ~ Three Days Grace
(I feel like quoting whatever comes up on my shuffle.)
So, we'll start at winter break. Cause it's as far back as I can go, okay?
El papa came to visit. He was staying at the Rio. Nice hotel. We went snowboarding, shopping, went to see a car show, went to his old work, among other things.
He got me an xbox for Christmas!
I love it.
(More on that later. Promise.)
Now, of couse, my mother hates him. The whole time she was insisting everything he was doing with me during his visit was just to spite her. First she didn't want him buying me clothes, because she knew he'd buy me clothes that she already bought me. Which didn't happen fyi future me.
(Didn't realize how painful this would end up being to talk about. Heh. Guess it's better than repressing I suppose.)
Twas the night before our day to snowboard, Christmas Eve Eve. La mama says
"You're not going with him tomorrow."
I argued with her, saying she was being selfish and the only reason she was saying that was because of no other reason but her hate for him.
Which, to this day, I still stand by that opinion.
For the first time in my life, I went up to my room, slammed the door shut and wouldn't go back downstairs. She kept calling me to, "get my a** back down here" but at that point, really what good could have come out any conversation?
That was I think the hardest I've cried since the day they told me they were getting divorced. Perhaps the only day I've cried since.
I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do; I hated my mother at this point. She was giving me nothing but hell for spending time with my father that week. I get to see him once, twice a year. She threatened to sue him if he took me.
Which gets me to thinking, why doesn't my room have a lock? Damn you, construction company.
Back to the story.
I called my best friend (the only person in this world I feel I can trust anything to) Jamie. I'm glad she had her head on straight, she told me to call my dad, because no matter what time it was, no matter what he'd want to know how I was feeling and would know what to do.
And she was right.
I don't know how the next day would've went if I had not of called her. I think I scared her pretty good too, I was practically bawling xD.
But that's what friends are for, right? Right.
(Oh s**t, on that topic of "friends" I realize that I have much more to tell.)
He talked to my mother, and she let me go the next day.
Snowboarding is where my sanity lies, in the powdery beauty with nothing separating me from the heavens but gravity. You truely cannot get closer to happiness than while snowboarding.
She came in after they talked, and said some really hurtful things.
She said she didn't want me.
She said that "if it wouldn't kill your grandfather" she'd, "ship me back out with my father when he left".
I don't forgive her for that.
I don't think I can for a long time.
She's taking higher doses of depression medicine.
Some days she's impossible to deal with, some days she's so overly happy, she becomes delusional. I feel like I'm living with two different people.
I remember distinctly from my childhood, wondering to myself who I'd stay with if my parents ever got separated, even though at the time I thought it'd never happen.
I always chose my dad...
Would I live with him now?
I don't know. My mind can't make the decision, it just can't.
What would I be leaving behind?
-Grandparents
-One? Maybe two? true friends
-(Possibly) my volleyball team
-House and town I've grown up in all my life
-cat (I think I'd take him with me though ;D)
I swear, I'll get to the friend thing later.
But I feel every bit as home in Pennsylvania as I do in Las Vegas.
It is hard. If my grandparents were to both die, I don't think there would be any reason for me to stay. Of course, my biological mother is here too.
Sigh.
Well, onto what happened with friends.
Future me! I want you to remember.
Don't trust blonde people! They are the devil.
Okay, maybe not really.
So on the B-Team Volleyball team I was on with Paige, some...things went down.
Apparently everyone on the team but me and Becca were invited to go to Fright Dome. Paige was supposed to be my best friend. Was I invited? No.
I don't think I'm physically appalling, or even personality wise. I was texting her one night, because instead of going with them I decided to go with Alex Kraible. And she would've needed a ride to go, so I asked Paige if her truck had extra room for us two. Long story short, I find out she lied about it all. Only three of them were going to the Fright Dome (Christie, Dani, Paige). Paige told me to ask Dani if she had room, and since I see everyone getting picked up after practice, I know Dani has a huge van. Of course she lied to me also.
It would not have been a big deal if one of them had just told me they didn't want me or Alex in the car. A simple "******** off" would have worked too.
Not this 'go behind your back and indirectly mess with you' s**t.
What was happening to my so called best friend? She seemed to stop calling me, we stopped hanging out. She was always busy when I wanted to hang out.
We hardly talked at lunch. I have never, ever, purposely hurt her.
And making friends with a bunch of bitches on my volleyball team was turning her into this monster. I tried talking to her about it, and I do not believe she even attempted to listen to how I felt.
I expressed how I felt like she was avoiding me, and turning into this entirely different person and it was like I didn't know her anymore. She just kept denying it, and refused to listen to me.
Eventually, I gave up. I was not going to take it anymore, and finally I just outright told her that we were not, under any definition, friends.
I know for a fact she started talking about me behind my back, and told a lot of people extremely rude things about me.
I am proud of the fact that not once did I say anything about her to any of my other friends. I will admit to calling her a b***h, but only once. I don't play games like that.
You know how back in kindergarden your worst enemy would whisper things to everyone but you in the group? Or if you came to a group that they were in, they would move away from you, exaggerating it?
That's how she would act towards me. Hell, she still even does that to this day.
She sits at the same lunch table as me.
The people I eat with (sadly) are Her, Grace (ew.), Kelly (ew.), Alex (ew.), Emily (yay!), and Emme (yay!).
She treats Emily and Emme like s**t.
Whenever Emily tries to talk, Paige always has to talk to her like she's a four old kind of tone and say "I'm sorry, but was I talking to you? No. Now shut up."
Emily is one of the nicest people I've met, next to Chelsea McLin.
All she tries to do is be the most personable person she can be, and to me she's never annoying.
Paige pretty much also acts that way towards Emme, or will just ignore her.
I feel like I've been growing closer to Emme. She tells me she hates Paige too. Emily also does.
~~~~~~
"It seems so clear now what I must do, you're no immortal, I won't let them deify you." - Disturbed
Hah...They treat her like a queen...
~~~~~~
Now Alex is a different story.
There was no big fight, no rumors, none of that.
I just think we drifted apart as people.
She has a new best friend now, Brianna Mathis.
I would like to be happy for her, although it really saddens me we are not as close.
She's taken Paige's side. I do not really care about this so much, because she still treats me equally, and as a friend.
But during lunch, she'll only stay as long as Paige stays at the table, which is for about only half the lunch period (Thank GOD). After P leaves, she goes over to Brianna's table. I don't get to see her much anymore, but I do talk to her everyday before and after school.
But, whatever. I understand people change.
Breanna also makes fun of Emily. I don't appreciate how every time Emily walks over to us, she always starts whispering, "Ew, ew, ew,ew it's Epstein." (E's last name fyi).
Goddamn. What is it about highschool that's turned everyone into a total b***h? What happened to morals?
The only person that hasn't changed is Jamie.
I mean, we've been best friends since 6th grade, and here we are in 9th still friends never once really getting into a huge fight.
Probably another one of the things that would keep me in Vegas. Hmm.
~~~~~~~~
Okay future me! Favorite song just popped on the iPod.
"Everywhere is freaks and hairies
Dykes and fairies, tell me where is sanity
Tax the rich, feed the poor
Till there are no rich no more?
I'd love to change the world
But I don't know what to do
So I'll leave it up to you
Population keeps on breeding
Nation bleeding, still more feeding economy
Life is funny, skies are sunny
Bees make honey, who needs money, Monopoly
I'd love to change the world
But I don't know what to do
So I'll leave it up to you
World pollution, there's no solution
Institution, electrocution
Just black and white, rich or poor
Them and us, stop the war
I'd love to change the world
But I don't know what to do
So I'll leave it up to you"
Ten Years After
I heard that one day in the car, listening to 97.1
It was magical, sort of like the day I heard "Welcome to the Black Parade" by none other than My Chemical Romance.
I loved the riffs instantly, was entranced by the lyrics, turned the volume up as high as it would go and hastily fumbled with the closest pen I could find to write down the lyrics so I could go on google later and find out what song I had just fallen in love with.
I think I was reading Watchmen at the time. Maybe that contributed to it all razz
I practically read that entire book with that song on repeat, and it never got old.
~~~~~~~
I think maybe I should get into theatre.
I know a lot of theatre kids, they're cool.
Make some friends...you know?
I know there has to be someone like me in this high school. That feels alienated...left out...ignored...used.
(yay for cliche'd teenagery.)
Once this year is over and I'm a soph,l am definitely taking art. I've loved art since I was little, and I think now that i'm older it's time for me to take it up again. I was never really bad at it, and took classes and such because there's something about the emotion behind a painting that just enchants me.
I remember when my dad took me to the Carneige Art Museum last summer, I just stood there in awe at this one painting for over 15 minutes, admiring the time it took to paint the morose-ness into the sky, the shades of color on every object.
I ended up buying a Paul Signac painting, Place des lices Saint-tropez.
it's of this man sitting on a bench, with nothing but yellow leaves on the ground around him, and the trees of which they've fallen off of were blue, with green canopys.
The arms of the trees were like tentacles, reaching out for something but not knowing what for. The lush greenness at the top of each arm looked menacing, in contrast to the peaceful setting of the bench.
The man just sat there, watching perhaps the scenery of what was behind the trees.
Gosh, I'm a sucker for paint razz
I had it framed (of course it was a replica) and it is now hanging in my room. I painted my wall the same color as the yellow leaves. Somehow I think that painting is a part of my life, as I sit and watch while my hands are reaching out for something, anything.
/end deep poetic rant
razz
~~~~~~~
Oh how I lurves my kitteh. His name is Frankie. Just Frankie. Not Frankie Robb, just. Frankie.
I named him after MCR's rhythm guitarist. But you already knew that, didn't you future me?
Maybe I should put at the beginning that the point of this journal is to remind myself of things if I ever get amnesia.
~~~~~~~
"First start out with the wrong place at the right time
And that's where you'll find me.
Next add in all the ******** up s**t I've done
But somehow kept inside me.
Cause while you were waiting for the sun I was turning away,
You try avoiding death by kneeling to pray,
You don't know if it's true,
But you heard there was a fire and I'm drowning in the rain.
I throw my hands up to the sky just to watch them burn,
There's no one there that you know,
That's why I'm headed below.
Once dreaming only burning wasn't quite
A part of the scenario.
Just me and my diesease I knew it was a dream
It got too cold to let go.
Cause while you were waiting for the sun I was turning away,
You try avoiding death by kneeling to pray,
You don't know if it's true,
But you heard there was a fire and I'm drowning in the rain.
I throw my hands up to the sky just to watch them burn,
There's no one there that you know,
(Burn them) That's why I'm headed below.
Count all this blood on my hands,
To get me in.
Save all the sins you can't stand,
To cash them in.
Just to get me in,
Just to get me in!
I throw my hands up to the sky just to watch them burn,
There's no-one there that you know,
I throw my hands up to the sky just to watch them burn,
There's no-one there that you know,
(Burn them) That's why I'm headed below."
-Mosh 'N' Church, The Used
Speaking of The Used!
I saw them in concert.
And it was my first time being in the most pit.
let me tell you, that s**t is crazy right there
but soooo worth it.
and I got to meet the band before the show at a record singing thing at a record store called Zia Records.
Bert is just so amazing in person.
I'm going back there soon, I love the whole vibe it has going on. Cheap music, cool bands, posters, and local music scene. What more could a teenager ask for?
~~~~~~
"Hibernate while you're still young. You are getting older, so much older, so much older than you think"
-Guns. Guns...Guns. by Portugal. The Man
What else has happened...
Whilst trying to explore my horizons, I discovered cooking.
It's a weird feeling, cooking.
I always feel like everyone is staring at me, even if there is no one in the house. Like a lot is resting on whatever I'm preparing.
Haha. Maybe I'm crazy. Amnesia future me, good luck with it.
~~~~~~
Okay. Well I got the heavy stuff off onto type. It's 1:57am.
Surprizingly not tired.
Actually, that's not too surprizing, considering.
4 day weekend ftw.
Oh! I had exams this week.
Here's the results:
Geometry:A (******** YES I finished this semester with a B overall.)
Spanish: A
P.E.: A
Health:idk, but probably an A.
Biology:C (Still finished with an A though.)
English:A on essay, C on test. (Still finished with an A, mostly because the essay was worth 80% of the overall essay grade, but who cares? I'm passing with flying colores.)
I am pleased as....coke! Porque no gusto punch.
~~~~~~
Oh gosh biggrin
Lake Pontchartrain just popped up on the iPod. What good memories, listening to the music channels on my television during summer a couple years ago.
I'd like to live back in 2007. Life was so much more simpler.
~~~~~~
Well since no one's probably going to see this, I'll go ahead and ramble now about s**t!
~~~~~~
I like World of Warcraft. and I don't give a ******** who knows.
I bought a shirt, a Save the Murlocs shirt. (www.savethemurlocs.org)
Don't know if the link will still be up when you view this future self, but just pretend like you know what I'm talking about anyway.
High School has made me realize that if everyone else can be open and accepting of who they are, more people accept them.
Now does that make me sound like I'm hopping on the bandwagon for acceptance?
Well, uh. I think this is probably one of those times where it's a good bandwagon to hop on.
because I'm only trying to be true to myself and not caring if someone doesn't like what I wear.
I'm determined to find the one person at Palo that has the same feeling as I do about all this! And being confident with who I am I hope will make that search all the shorter.
~~~~~~
I try to smile periodically throughout the day, even if it might not go my way, and I know that makes me look like a freak, grinning while walking to the CSN building, but somehow I can pull out some sort of really good feeling that I think I've been repressing and just indulge myself in it. It's a good feeling, smiling.
biggrin
~~~~~~
Yes, the past might seem nicer than what present you're living in.
But the past wasn't all good either, you had your ups, you had your downs.
What matters now is what you do with yournow.
Not the person you were in your past's now.
Instead of looking back, keep looking and forward, and smile. Because you have ******** no idea what's going to happen.
wink
 Somber_isis_Queen · Sun Jan 17, 2010 @ 10:12am · 0 Comments |
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