Free: Magic cat and 5 mildly retarded kittens
Several months ago I so generously took in a stray cat. Unbeknownst to me, this was a magic cat. Several nights into her stay she performed a trick, she multiplied. Unfortunately magic cats are nothing like magic rabbits- you can put the rabbit back in the hat, but you can not put the offspring back in the cat. Now I have one magic cat and 5 mildly retarded kittens.
The cat:
This magic cat performs more than one trick. Not only does she expertly know the act of multiplying, but she is also an entry artist. I say ‘entry’ because she does not escape (I only wish) but she manages to find her way back in the house after being repeatedly thrown out. At first she performed this trick by clawing a hole through the screen in my living room window. Ah, but I am on to you magic cat! So last night I shut the windows. Imagine my amazement when I awoke this morning to see magic cat balefully eyeing me from across the bed. Short of burrowing a hole through my walls, I am not entirely sure how she managed to accomplish this. Alas, magic cat also has one more trick up her furry sleeve- she can make massive amounts of food disappear with record timing. No food is safe from magic cat. I once witnessed magic cat make a carrot disappear (perhaps magic cat has some magic rabbit in her ancestry, I don’t know). My attempts at selling magic cat to the circus as a Houdini re-incarnate were unsuccessful, so magic cat is now free for the taking. Use her as a party favor to amuse your friends, unleash her on your greatest enemy, or put her in a tank and call her a catfish, it’s all the same to me.
The kittens:
A product of magic cat, I am also offering 5 free mildly retarded kittens. Don’t be fooled by their cute furriness, they are evil. One, whom I have so aptly named Lucifer due to the horn spots on his head, is content to run the length of the hallways growling with a dum-dum pop in his mouth. Well, I guess it is to be expected from the offspring of an animal who once nearly suffocated to death when she got a Chef Boyardee can stuck on her head (I have pictures). These kittens will make a great alarm clock if you are prone to oversleeping. They tend to hold daily cat races through the house every morning where I am used as a both a hurdle and a launching pad from which they hurl themselves across the room. With some training, they would even be great at body piercing- equipped with their own sharpened claws and cute cuddliness to comfort you afterwards. These would make great entertainment for your friends. They have dog fights, they have c**k fights, why not try cat fights? Toss in a piece of popcorn and watch them go.
This post is real, the cat/kittens are real, and they are FREE. I am renouncing my title as crazy cat lady and wish them to be gone as soon as possible.
 Somber_isis_Queen · Fri Oct 09, 2009 @ 08:22am · 0 Comments |
