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"You don't get something for nothing!
You can't have freedom for free!
You won't get wise with the sleep still in your eyes,
No matter what your dream might be!"

Considering the events today, I feel that little quote from Something for Nothing by Rush fits me well. Sorry I haven't been throwin' in journals. Not much has been happening lately. Nothing I felt I could describe, anyway

I went to school today (duh) as usual. I brought my electric guitar and when I played it in Media, our teacher sang with me! We rocked. Lol. And then I went to PAWS. Also, normal day. I played guitar for the entire period. It was cool. But, when it was over, I saw Mae while I was coming out of my class. Mae with a puppy dog face for seemingly no reason.

I remember I was in the middle of saying something to someone and I just stopped dead in my tracks. Then, I got a grip, took a deep breath, and walked away. I tried to play it off like nothing happened. Jenn (Blair) was with her and we just said "hi." But then she like hurried ahead of me like I had the plague. And I was trying to make some conversation cause, you know, it's nice to talk to someone on your way to class.

Although... You know, it felt like something weird had happened. At first, anyway. But, then, I cried...

You know something’s wrong when you see a girl and start crying. But I wiped my tears as I went to German. And, I saw Emily. Whitney hadn’t come in and I looked straight at her. I waved hi and tried to smile to show her I wasn’t what she thinks I am. Because I haven’t talked to her since November. And she smiled at me. Not like a “Hi! How are you?” smile. More like an “Oh, hey…. Wh-what do you want?”

And, then I played guitar at lunch. Algebra 2, same as any day. And I walked out of Graber’s class, still ready to break out in tears. But I held it in. And, when I got to the bus stop, I saw Genevieve. (I think that’s how it’s spelled…) She’s good friends with Mae, but I didn’t react in any way unusual. I just sat down with my head like a lead weight, hanging down. Marissa then asks me, “What’s wrong?”

I tried pulling it off like I was fine, because I sorta felt like it. But she insisted I tell her. So, I told her I saw Mae. And she apparently has someone that doesn’t like her. Although, me and Mae have been at a fighting stance for like 8 months now. (It’ll be exactly 8 months in 2 weeks, but pretty close.) And we talked a little about what she had and how I could solve my problem. Then, I saw Gen come in and ask, “Mae?” Cause she knows we have problems with each other.

From what she said, Mae likes to not move and be stubborn. As well as bottle things up, and if she hasn’t forgiven me by now, then what I said must’ve been really bad. I’m not going to directly quote, but that is pretty accurate.

I’ve always forgiven easily. But, obviously, nobody else forgives as well as I do. Especially not Mae. If that’s true, then yeah, she must still feel bad about me retaliating at her. Although, she was PMSing, so I guess she had a right to be angry at the time. But after I’d acted stupid and replied to her text so late, why did she have a right to take it out on me? But, if it’s true, then I must’ve been a real jerk. And I suppose it doesn’t make me look any better to expect that a simple “Sorry, can I have a second chance?” would fix everything.

It just made such a difference. To know that it hurt her for me to say what I said WAY more than it hurt me for her to slap me and not forgive me after so long. Like Topher told me, she probably won’t forgive you until it doesn’t matter. It still does matter. I cried when I first screwed myself with what had happened. But, I wonder, did she cry when I said what I said? From my view, it didn’t seem like much. But it was me. What about her?

As I left, as the bus was ready to leave, Gen told me she’d talk to Mae. I’m grateful, but I feel like I can’t really explain how it’s a lot to me. And she has the same Math teacher as me. I asked Mr. Graber to tell her I said “hi.” Wonder how that’ll go together?

Although, what if she DOES forgive me? Where would we stand? Just talk and make jokes? Treat her like I treat the other girls? What have I been working so hard for? Her to forgive me? And now, that it hardly matters that I have NO CHANCE with her, why did I work so hard?