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Sometimes, you can cry until there is nothing wet in you. You can scream and curse to where your throat rebels and ruptures. You can pray, all you want, to whatever god you think will listen. And still it makes no difference. It goes on, with to sign to when it might release you. And even if it did relent.
It would not be because it cared.


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X--It's just an endless abyss of pain and torment--X
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I'm done trying to be a good person. Everything I do seems to have some sort of consequence on me or someone else. I...broke up with my boyfriend a week and a half ago, [[ Give or take a few days or so ]] and I don't think I'm over that pain yet. But then I went and did something stupid like say yes to a guy that asked me out when I really wasn't ready for another relationship. I can't do anything right! Everything is falling apart! I'm so god damn pissed odd at myself! I don't know how I'm going to tell him that I don't want to go out with him...I just feel like such a whore! Here I am, bitching and moaning about how I feel horrible about everything, and then I go and pretend everything's okay and 'move on with my life' when I really don't want to! I wish I knew what to do...I don't want to get hurt again...How am I supposed to tell a guy that just asked me out, and I just said yes to, that I don't want to date him anymore? I just wish I didn't feel like such a whore...And the fact that someone whom I care about, and he cares about me, is not going to be happy in the end. Well, it's not like I will be too...But that's beside the point...I'm tired of hurting everyone else...I wish I could just get a magic wand, and wish away all the problems and sorrow that are trapped inside of me and start over. Start a new life...But wanting and wishing gets me nowhere. Waiting for my dreams to come true is like waiting for rain in a drought. ******** wishes. ******** wanting things. ******** the way things are ******** it all. I'm just so mad at myself for letting things get out of hand, and mad at myself for letting people do this to me, and mad at myself for being the whore I am, and mad at myself for letting my emotions take over my better judgment. I should have known that I'm not emotionally stable enough to do anything right now, let alone be in any sort of relationship. I don't know...I want to rip out my ******** eyes so there will be no more tears to cry.
Crying just makes me feel weak inside...
Listen to me; b***h and complain about stupid teen angst.
"Oh, look at me. I'm sad, so I'm going to whine about it in my online journal because I'm too much of a sorry little b***h to actually say this aloud."
And the sad part of that is...
It's actually true. I can't do anything for myself, and I've been letting people down, I've been hurting others, and I just want this all to go away-this feeling.
And here I am wanting things again. But wanting does nothing but make you sound like some conceited douche bag that doesn't have anything else to do. What the hell is wrong with me? If I'm going to live like this, why can't there just be a switch that I can turn this feeling off. Turn it off and someone just try to fix me. I'm tired of being the little sorry b***h that I am. I need change...but the pathetic part of that is I sit here and complain about change, but never do anything about it...
God damn it. I'm up at six thirty in the bloody morning because my ******** insomnia is keeping me up. It feels like something inside of me seems to be trying to pry its way out of me. [[ Maybe I'm just going to throw up ]]Some sort of pain, or some sort of sound, words, that need to come out of me but I can't explain them. Is it normal to feel so emotionally unstable and insecure all the time?
...
I didn't think so.
I think what I need to do is just get over myself and stop complaining, because we both know I won't do a single thing about it. I just need to find something to keep my mind off things, find something that makes me feel...happy.
But to be completely honest, and not to sounds like a little emo kid, but I don't know what exactly it is that makes me happy. I've gone through so much s**t and pain, it almost feels like I forgot what happiness once was. [[ See? Emo kid ]] Plenty of things make me smile, but a smile doesn't automatically mean happiness. Happiness is something that you feel inside of you. Something that makes you feel like you have something to look forward to. But I haven't felt like that for a long time. I almost forgot what it was like to have something to look foreword to. [[ ALMOST forgot what it felt like so you guys won't throw s**t at me for being a little emo kid ]]
...
Oh god.
I can't believe I actually wrote all that s**t;All that teen angst balled up into this little journal.
That's absolutely pathetic.

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X--And he will wonder where the screams are coming from--X
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