Disclaimer: I do NOT nor will I ever own Ed, Roy, or anyone/anything from the FMA series. (Even if I wanted to *depressed*) I’m just using them to put my twisted little plot into play. I am not making any profit out of this.
A/N:
This chapter is dedicated to my lovely beta-reader and best friend Vivi who inspired me to write a crack fic because of all the ones she sent me. : )
Summary: Hell breaks loose in the Headquarters as a full-out prank war erupts between Edward and Roy. “Don’t step up if you can’t keep up.” Roy stated triumphantly at Edward. CRACK! Not a slash.
Chapter 1:
It was another lovely day. The birds were chirping, the sun was out; the clouds were neatly placed in the sky to represent the peacefulness of the day.
And then a scream of pain and horror pierced through the headquarters. Every head in the grand, century old building turned in the direction of the highly-respected yet feared Colonel Mustang’s office.
Lieutenant Hawkeye busted through the door to the well-known Colonel’s office, guns out and ready for an attack. Her eyes widen at the scene before her.
The well-respected Colonel had his head smack in the toilet, retching with a discarded cup of pudding near his hand.
“Sir…What’s going on..?” Hawkeye uneasily stated as she stood a distance away from the putrid smell.
Groaning, the Colonel lifted his head high enough to mumble, “What the hell does it look like, Lieutenant?” before sticking his head back in and emptying the contents of his stomach into the bowl of relief.
Hawkeye stepped closer to the Colonel in a slow manner as one would to a frightening animal. The Colonel sensed movement and turned in a swift manner, lifting his head and screaming, “WHO WOULD BE SO CRUEL AS TO SPOIL A PERFECTLY GOOD PUDDING?!”
Panting heavily his eyes landed at the shocked Lieutenant. His eyes narrowed before he picked up the pudding cup and shoved it in her face.
“What does this look like Lieutenant?” He growled out coldly.
“Sir…?”
“What…does it look like Lieutenant?”
“It looks like a cup of chocolate pudding, Sir.” Hawkeye uneasily stated while backing away from the Colonel who looked like he was going to explode into sparks of fire.
“Look at this Lieutenant…what does this look like?”
“An expiration date, Sir”
“And when does it expire?” He growled out, shaking.
“It says February 20th 1915, Sir.”
“And what day is it today?”
Hawkeye stared at his hands as smoke crept its way around the furious Colonel.
“December 19th 1914, Sir.”
“Then what is this crunchy green solid that has crusted over my delectable chocolate pudding?” His tone full of disgust and anger.
Hawkeye smartly remained silent in fear of angering the Colonel further.
Just then in the worst time possible, Lieutenant Havoc strolled in lazily into the office of the dragon.
“Hey Chief, what’s up?” He drawled out missing Hawkeyes warning glance.
Something in Roy snapped and he turned to Havoc with a gleam in his eye that Havoc caught too late.
“I’ll tell you what’s up…” Roy practically spat out before handing him the innocent looking cup of pudding. “Tell me what you see.” He glared daggers of ice at the Lieutenant.
Before responding Havoc thought through the choices laid before him. He could A. Answer the question in the most calm way possible or B. Turn around and bolt through the door before the Colonel decided to burn his a** off.
The least painful one seemed to be Choice A. Little did he know that the path you take to run away from your fate leads you closer to it.
“That, good sir, appears to be a chocolate pudding with some mold growing on it.” He drawled out lazily while sticking his hands in his pocket. He radiated smugness at choosing the best possible choice.
He laid his eyes on the Colonel who seemed to bow his head slightly so his bangs covered his eyes. In Havoc’s eyes, the Colonel seemed pleased with his answer and was thinking about it.
Little did he know that the Colonel was trying to maintain what little control he had over his rage that was bubbling up within his chest.
As if he couldn’t possibly make it worse he drawled out, “So, why'd we hear you bellowing, Chief?”
That did it.
All that warned Havoc was a snap of the fingers before he decided to turn heel and run. Little did he know, the Colonel was faster.
Flames erupted form Roy’s hands as he lifted his head up to glare at Havoc. He released an almost inhumane-monster like roar as he lit Lieutenant Havoc’s uniform on fire.
Flailing wildly, Lieutenant Havoc screamed in pain as he noticed his a** was literally on fire. Running around in circles his eyes landed on the innocent looking toilet.
He ran towards it and shoved his a** in. He released a sigh and relaxed until he noticed a disturbing smell coming from his a**. He moved to the side a little bit and realized he was stuck…in vomit.
He screamed in disgust as he flailed trying to get his a** off the vomit-filled toilet.
The Colonel stepped in deliberate slowness towards his prey as a smirk made its way across his face.
Hawkeye observing from a safe distance couldn’t see the Colonel’s face, but she did hear an increase of squishing noises coming from the squirming Second Lieutenant. Only when the Colonel was a foot away from Havoc did Hawkeye see it fit to act. She ran to the entrance of the bathroom as the scene revealed itself to her.
Havoc had a look of pure horror on his face while he stared up at the angry Colonel. His face practically screamed, “Oh s**t!”
Her eyes turned downward and she noticed with disgust that Havoc’s a** was currently stuck in the vomit filled toilet that Roy failed to flush. She forced back her gag reflex then her gaze settled on the rage-filled Colonel who had a look that was a mix of satisfaction and insanity just as a predator would when it cornered its vomit covered prey…
‘Ew’, Hawkeye responded to her disturbing train of thought.
Just as Roy was about to snap his fingers, Hawkeye yelled, “Sir!” to try to get his attention It stalled him momentarily so she decided to continue. “This is madness, sir.”
Bringing his head down he replied in a low voice of resignation, “madness…?”
Havoc looked hopeful and gratefully stared at Hawkeye for stopping Roy from turning him into a roast duck… ‘Why duck..?’ he thought in a clueless manner.
Roy snapped his head up, “This…WAS…PUDDING!!” before effectively booting Lieutenant Havoc’s face into the back wall.
Roy then lifted his fingers up to snap them and turn Havoc into a roasted duck. ‘Why duck…?’ Roy briefly thought.
“Wait! I have information regarding the pudding scandal!” Havoc rushed to get out as he tried to stop the river of strawberry Kool-aid rushing from his nostrils as a result of the pudding-booting.
Roy stopped in his tracks and glared menacingly at Havoc, silently wishing he would lie to him so he could light him on fire like the pyromaniac he was.
Images of Roy standing upon a flaming toilet victoriously with cups of chocolate pudding bowing to him flitted across Roy’s mind.
Havoc noticing that he had Roy’s attention rushed, “It was Fullmetal sir! I saw him and Alphonse carrying a box of chocolate pudding the other day. I saw Fullmetal pulling them out of Alphonse’s metal armor. I then realized that was the horrible smell that Alphonse had been emitting for days…I thought it was just rust.” He rambled on as he squirmed from the Colonel’s gaze.
Roy glared angrily at Havoc and calmly said, “Continue, Lieutenant”, before he started to rub his two fingers together in a threatening manner.
“I saw them sneak into your office while you were out saying they had a surprise for the ‘b*****d Colonel who had a stick lodged up his---‘”
“Havoc!” Hawkeye warned him before he could continue his sentence, subtly reminding him of the situation he was in.
Roy stood there in silence as fury overtook him once more.
“DAMN YOU FULLMETAL!” He screamed into the skies.
He turned immediately to a lower officer who stood in the entrance confused and growled out, “Bring me the midget.” His eyes promising retribution for the horrendous act that they have committed.
Meanwhile, Edward and Alphonse who heard the shout a mile away snickered deviously as they knew their plan worked.
A/N: Hope you love it! R&R : ) I’ll upload faster if I know more people wanna read it XD; Kuddos to those who can figure out where I got the idea from 8D
-Herbal Teaa
Chapter 2
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yea exactly
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