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i just finished writing a short dissertation on existence and i feel like calming myself down. sometimes i get so wound up i scare myself haha. but what can be said or done, i am who i am. my wine from last night turned to vinegar. i have to go shopping before i go back on campus. i guess thats why im writing here, really, honestly. part of me doesnt know what the ******** im doing at this school. its a great college, and i love it, they have a truly phenomenal faculty, english dept and writing dept as well as brilliant philosophy professors. and the art programme, is nothing short of astounding. and the devotion to academic furtherance is so deep-rooted and true, im just overwhelmed and its wonderful. truly a sight to breathe and enjoy. here comes the 'but'. but i cant really honestly connect with anyone. i know its only been a year..and next year im transferring to paris..but..idk. okay so basically there are nerds/dorks who i dont really want to be friends with, there are popular skinny white hipsters who are fun but annoying and almost sociopathic, and there are the radicals, the kids who think every sentence uttered hides within it some racist or descriminatory understatement. and theyre all such angry kids, theyre angry at a world, at institutions that havent done anything to them. and of course, of course there is inequality in the world, among kids, in schools and such..but this is rage..is genuine rage rather than well-placed indignation. and its scary, these kids idk they just expect something that just idk they wont ever be happy they will constantly manifest issues of inequality where there just plainly arent. and its sad bc theyre good kids and smart..but i just dont fit in there. im probably marginalising and generalising all these kids, which is silly and wrong of me but for the sake of this argument that is how it genuinely appears. i dont share that rage or penchant for revolution. i dont know where i ******** belong, and i have silver hairs to prove it. im ******** twenty i shouldnt be questioning existence or my ability to relate socially to others, which normally is not an issue. but here, it is. europe is different. i cant wait for paris, european kids think im crazy. no literally, they think i have some serious neurological mania or other but im hilarious to them. theyve never thought of sitting in the middle of a crowded sidewalk or drinking a bottle of chardonnay in a graveyard, or singing 'hey jude' really loudly in the street or going out on the roof outside your dorm and smoking up. apparently thats mental illness to europeans haha and i am more than happy to oblige. i make friends so easily there and i love. so 2010, i am taking europe..but not like hitler..im doing it with alcohol and laughter and skinny jeans so put your guns down butch and sundance, i come in peace. alright i think thats enough for now.

later.