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this is getting so weird, sometimes i dont even know what to say anymore. i mean i feel like everyone ive ever known is changing right now, and so fast. including myself. people that are older than me, younger than me, the same age, theyre all changing. its all too odd for me. i feel like i dont even know where this is going anymore, to be an obnoxious b*****d ill use a cliche thought and say that life is like a movie. its like a really bad movie. a really really truly hideous movie. and youre so far in, and you just dont know what the ******** the director was thinking, the plot is shitting bricks its just a slushy word stew. i know the -- supposed -- beauty of this dumb life is that it is so brilliantly unpredictable, but sometimes being able to sure of SOMETHING is good for a change. it helps to give you faith, you know. to want to keep going. whats the point if you dont know, the uncertainty is just too retarded for me. things that should really make sense dont. things that should really work for you dont. i just want if i make a decision, for it to be my own and to work. i dont know, lately i feel overwhelmed between this girl im trying to get to know -- i know what youre thinking, but seriously, it really is always about a girl. shes so amazing, but 'amazing' is just like a p***k on the d**k compared to what shes really like. shes so sweet, so kind, she has three jobs and they all involve helping children. shes beyond beautiful. normally when im talking to someone -- and i know this is horribly narcissistic of me -- i always get the sense immediately that i am either more intelligent than they are, or we are roughly equal in intelligence, even concerning people two and three times my age. but she -- she is just so overpoweringly intelligent, i dont even want to compete, she knows my philosophers. all this sappy mush is just despite the point that there is an inevitable 'but' just looking to guile its way in here. but she is with someone else, and ive already gotten over her and want to be friends, thats not even the point, the point i guess really is things are just expected to fail like that. they are presumed failures from the moment of their inception, cognition. is that really the way things have to be, i look at my arms and wrist and i say to myself 'yeah, i think so'. this is no place for optimism in this place, as great as it is. optimism belongs in a big cake box under the bed with thoughts of unicorns and candy islands. i dont want nietzsche to be right, or proust. just god-awful depressing ******** tits -- whom i love desperately -- but if they are right the will to power, and the will to truth and wasted on sacks of flesh and sentiment like us.

i need to get my license. im going to this summer. then when i feel like this. so awkwardly trapped between two hells, cosy where i am, i can just go. go and drive. drive to a beach and lay in the sand and watch the stars, feeling the spray from the ocean. or id drive to the capital and walk around the monuments in the moonlight. or go to the gardens in the bronx. or drive through manhattan when its late and no ones out just to be on streets that ive never seen. i just need to get out of this, this muck. i feel like im a soldier, dragging my boots in some ******** muddy trench, its s**t and death up there, but its not much better down here. you know what i mean dont you. i guess it would help if i were more satisfied with my friends. i dont know how to say this delicately, so i wont try to be. my friends -- my friends receive my love, and they return it, and we talk, laugh and share and all that, but theres no one who shares my heart, no friend who adores me. who is just the one that fits. i want to believe someone like that doesnt exist. they probably dont. but i know they do. some people are happy the way they are. theyre too dumb to know the difference. misery is the way to go. it doesnt hurt to have a bottle of wine waiting for you there too. i feel like i want too much. it should be more about what i need. but the ******** if i know what i need. i thought i need some things but when i need something it dies. i needed to..you know, and that definitely didnt work. i needed to loosen up, i need a conduit for my emotions. whatever i dont even know what im saying. i need a drink.

the point of me saying anything -- i guess is really just for my own benefit, you know, to have the actual words in front of my face. it makes it more real, you know. its just ******** depressing otherwise.