Thanks to the observations of my love, she was able to figure out what was wrong with me. I realize now, because of her, is that I have been showing symptoms of a panic attack. I have been thinking for awhile before that it was blood pressure related, but truly it was mental condition that has been building up due to possible stress or conditions that lead to depression.
It makes me wonder then, from the information that I have studied, how successful can I be at getting rid of this psychologically, damaging behavior? This is one of those conditions that begins mentally but affects me physically.
One of the means that Jennifer has told me is to completely change whatever thought I am thinking about that's bothering me to a thought that is unrelated and relaxing. For the most part it has been successful, however I have only been practicing this for a couple days now. I have been noticing some signs of improvements, but I am curious as to how well I can keep it up in the longrun. One thing that is for certain is that I am blessed with a great woman that can help direct me out of mind-damning thoughts that tend to overwhelm me uncontrollably.
I've noticed a big change in her means of providing for me in our relationship as well. I have really seen an improvement in her ability to help me mentally. I am so thankful in this because that to me shows how far she will go in our relationship. I have always trusted in her in a lot of things. Not so much when it comes to her putting her foot down and making a headstrong decision at something, however I can tell she is doing things in her life that are making her a more strong willed individual. I admire her courage in a lot of things, and many of the times I feel that she is a more brave person than I could ever be.
Jennifer will argue with me on that, lol, but that's because we both know that we have our strong characteristics that makes us individually the specialists in our parts of the relationship. What I believe is that with her she'll be able to do things for me that I could never do, and to her I'm sure she too thinks of things that I can do in the same way. I also know that together there are many things that we can do in which we would not be able to do on our own. That to me is the blessing that I am very thankful of with regards to our 2 years of being together.
It's amazing to think, we've been together for a good, full 2 years, and of those two years, I have only seen her in person from the 26th of December to the 2nd of January.
Doing the math, that's only 1% of our whole entire relationship spent with eachother physically. For us to love eachother as much as we do now, for me to have verbally say out loud "I love you" to her everyday for the entire 2 years we've been together, that to me tells me that there is something much more grandiose about our relationship that can be understood in the physical nature of love.
I'm sure that there are those who take their relationships for granted, and to them I can say they are very lucky in the sense that they are with their partner day by day in arm's reach. For me to love my love the way that I do, to only spend a single percent of our relationship with her truly in my arms, that is a mathematical quarrel that I have to live with until I eventually move over there to be with her forever.
I'm sure there are plenty of people that are skeptical with what I plan to do with my life. A lot of people think that it's me giving up on my musical dreams and aspirations. I think of it as a means of living out the true nature of my existence. I can have anything I want if I work hard enough, put forth enough efforts wisely, and continuously with tenacity, apply without quitting. But, I also know that my soul mate is out there, she's right over there. I need to get myself from here to there, and doing so will not be easy. The outcome will not be easy to handle, and I know that life is going to be extremely difficult compared to what I have now. I understand the conditions, and I know that putting myself out there will not be anything I've had to physically endure.
I'm confident though that I will be able to survive. I know that I will be thankful to have a beautiful, intelligent woman with me to be at my side when I need her the most. I know what I will have to do to keep her forever, and knowing that I love her will be more than enough to continue to push for a better life for the both of us.
She is my dream that I live to pursue. Nothing else in this world means any more to me than her.
May God bless our pursuit to being together by the end of this year. May he also bless our intentions to live not in loneliness, but with assurance that our lives are always paired with the graciousness of a loved one. I know that I will never have to worry so much about plenty of my paranoias. Many of them will be left here in California. It will be a new start at life, and it is going to be something that will make me a better person.
God bless.
+Bloodys Corpse+ Community Member 
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