Content life,sort of. It's been a ride so far, but I've only been through half of high school. Sure, I've made mistakes with girls, but it's a live and learn thing when it comes to them. However, I would not have a content death.
The two are VERY different. Content living is being proud of what you are. Content dying is proud of what what you are and what you have done. It'd be like if I died, I would think of every place I've ever screwed up big time in life. You probably know where this is going...
There are some emotional times I've had when I've wanted to die, but it'd just be to start anew. The next 2 years will probably be some of the best times in life... But if I died before those 2 years, when school matters, the first thing I'd think of is what I've done wrong and how much I desperately wish I could fix it.
The first thing I thought of is relevant to this one girl, but I'll save the best for last... Hehehe mrgreen
First and foremost, I'd tell Maci, Scriven, Topher, and Stephen how much I wish I could've been there for them. I havent helped their lives much. It feels like I've been a bad friend. (Although Stephen is my cousin, we're a lot like friends.) They've all had my back, but I've never had theirs.
Second, I wish I could've gone to a live show. I love Rock music, and my parents have ALWAYS said,"It's like an eclipse: you can't describe it, you gotta be there." I've always wanted to see a concert of Aerosmith, Rush, Led Zeppelin (Although they're apart now...), Velvet Revolver, or AC/DC. The best bands ever and they rarely do tours anymore, I'll bet...
Third, I'd tell my mom how much I wish she would have been there for me as a parent. I still despise her for being a b***h for the last 9 months, but I'd tell her to be a better parent if she had another child.
Fourth, I'd tell my sister, Zoe, how much I'm so sorry. I've been a terrible sibling to her. I haven't been through much, but I've got 7 years on her and I've never said "I love you." And, that's a thing in our family is saying that to your relatives, even if they aren't very close. I've seen 7 years more than she has and I should be there in her hard times, but I don't know if she'll ever have any. Plus, I've never actually done anything special with her, not even on her birthday.
Fifth, I'd want to play at a venue. Even like a small bar or some s**t, just a venue with the band and we'd be rockin' the joint. I'm getting good at guitar and music, and it'd be sweet to play a show. Fat chance though...
Then, the best part, I'd try to beat the fact that me and this one girl are still pissed at each other into the dust. I'm mad as hell at her, and she's probably pissed at me too. But, I still consider her a friend. I don't know if what she's doing right now is what she always does, (Being so unforgiving and holding a grudge) but if it isn't I'd tell her I'm sorry for the third time. I've tried apologizing before, but she doesn't care....
If I did die in 3 days, that'd be my prime objective. If I died, she'd blaze through my mind like wildfire for eons and eons. My cousin has always told me (Not Stephen, different cousin) "Y'wanna know what hell is? High School musical. Over and over for all of eternity. Sitting next to the Rolling Stones, in their 60's. And they're all looking at you like they want to rape you." That's not true anymore. In this lifetime, hell is her, sitting in front of me with headphones. She's listening to music for eons and eons while I sit there, just wanting to say something
But she can't hear me....
If it came to that, I'd reach the point where my last words would be nothing but dedication to her. And, what sucks is that we detest each other, so she wouldn't listen anyway.
And, earlier this weekend, my cousin Stephen took her number from my phone and prank called her 3 times. And she uses her phone for text only. I told him not to, but he did anyway. HE wanted to help me get back at her. I knew I didn't have to, but he wanted to for me. It's always great to know he has my back, but I don't think that'll solve my s**t with her...
Anyway....
What I'd do if I knew I was about to die: I'd apologize to her. My last words would be nothing but in my sweet loving memory of the times when we were pretty much just friends. Although, that was never what I believed; I thought we weren't friends at all, but we were. We were friends, but we aren't anymore. I'd quote a song right now, but I won't. To keep this realistic, I'm just gonna be out with my last words right now. Or at least, what they would be
"If I could apologize, heaven wouldn't be a locked cell, it'd be a true afterlife. I'd do anything to apologize right now. I'd cross the sky for ya, send out a light burning for you and just you. And, I know that's a cliche. What I'm getting at is that I'm sorry, and there's nothing better than that I could say."
All that JUST to apologize. This kinda strikes me as stupid. If I went through all this JUST to apologize, I could solve world hunger, or do MANY great things. And, as I write this, I wonder...
Is this what love is?
Here we are, about to close out another journal about her, but I won't do that. Instead, I'm going to listen to this:
Because I'm just addicted to this song!! (Click on the picture)
