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As a dog, darling.... I don't enjoy or approve the groundwork of my life.... I'm literally tired enough to go sleep in a rut... Things just suck... No matter how good I try to make them seem....

So, as you know, I live in a shed. Tiny a** house, tinier living space. I live in a bedroom smaller than a large bathroom. The dimensions of my room are about 2.5 x 5 yd, minus bed, amp, guitar, closet, and video game stuff. There's also barely any food.... I'm lucky I'm not dead from starvation... Least, not yet. Remember that journal I made about that something's missing feeling? It's happening again and again and again and again. And, frankly, I despise it. That feeling needs to (As this one girl would probably put it) go die in a hole....

Speaking of the lady friend, she's probably been enjoying her summer. And, although I still feel pretty bad for what I said and I still want to apologize, it seems like I'm getting past it. I'm still anxious to know if she'll decide to let me back on her good side. Because, if you know how good of a person I can be (However stupid), then you know how awesome I get to be... Or not...

That's another thing, my "stupidity." I'M NOT STUPID!!! I have rather poor reasoning skills and I'm a little senseless. I rush into situations head-first, and my head might not be strong enough to get the job done. I might as well dye my hair blond after so many people have called me an idiot... Idiots can't write orchestras. I can

And I have EXTREME back pain.... And,no matter what I try, it won't go away... Like I have something jammed in the right edge of my spine. I want to massage it soooo bad... But, we're too poor to afford it.... We are an oppressed people.....

Then, we have the lamest of my problems: summer school. It's not horrible, but my grandparents and even my cousin are telling me off because I'm in there. My teacher HATED me. Me and my friend did a study and got the exact same answers. She gave him a 78 and me a 55. Wtf? And, it's got even more people telling me I'm stupid. I play a mean guitar, a dirty solo, and a badass riff. And, I've only been playing for 14 months.

This something's missing feeling is coming back differently and differently. Like, when it came back a while ago, I thought to myself "Why am I here? I don't really have a reason to live and my life is inadequate. Why don't I just die in a rut?" And, it's a good question. Why DON'T I go die in a rut? The only worldly things I have left are my guitar and friends.

My parents have sent me off the deep end as well. My mom has been acting like a skank for 9 months. I've been saying over and over that she's not. But, there comes a time when we must see the truth. My mom fails at being a parent, a person, a citizen, and even a girlfriend. She almost kicked her boyfriend out of the house for something out of her stupor.

My dad never talks to me and doesn't pay me any attention.... Last time we actually talked was like last March or something.... And DON'T EVEN get me started on my grandparents.

Like I said, summer school isn't that bad. But, there's one thing that just makes me want to say ******** it. The wake up call... I have to get up at 5:30 to get ready and hit the bus to get to school. And, once I wake up, I can't go back to sleep. It's my thing

And, something weird happened to me. I was fantasizing. For the first time in 2 years, I thought to myself a situation that would never happen. I thought of my ideal girl. Yeah, it's getting time for me to be REALLY desperate. I have nobody to love me, and I think that's where it comes from. The last time I hugged anyone was when I hugged Maci, and she's like the ONLY person that hugs me now that everyone else is gone for summer.

Anyway, it was even weirder when this one girl came into it. It's getting unhealthy how much I think about her... I was sitting with her (This is ALL in my head, people) then the bell rings and we both get up and get ready to leave. Then, she trips and I catch her with one hand like salsa dancing... Now, I would totally do that for anyone, if my arms weren't completely useless and flimsy. Then, she was kind of looking at me blankly. Like, her eyes were all lifeless. And, well, let's say I had some demonic thoughts....

Then some random girl walks towards us. As soon as I see her, I drop the other girl and when she hits the ground, she sorta like vanquishes on contact... Sorta like when you kill a heartless in Kingdom Hearts.

The girl had hair REALLY long in the front like mine, and about as long as the other girl's. She had dirty blond, leaning to brown hair like Topher's and straggly like mine. She was a little flabby, granted. She wore a black (I guess you could call it a tank top), and her skirt was sort of long like long pants wrapped around her like a men's bathrobe with 70's psychedelic-ish patterns on it. She wore her hair parted to the right, while mine was off to the left.

She was a very awkward person, but I could tell she would've been someone I cared about just by her personality. Which was complex like mine to the extreme where I will NOT go into detail



But, fantasizing is something I rarely do. When I do, it usually makes me cry to know what I'm missing. My fantasies are like oracles, and sometimes precursors. This all happened after my something's missing feeling came up. When I finally came to grips, I realized I'm missing some actual love. If you know me, then you KNOW that absolutely nobody loves me. Take a think about that. Before you protest, saying that you love me. Think: do you HONESTLY love me or just care enough to tell me you love me when the reality is you don't?

People do care about me, for which I'm grateful. But I am missing something in my life, and I think it might very well be someone to care about. Something to devote myself to... Although I do that enough with guitar and Crash Bandicoot, something a little more worldly and living would be nice. Think that sounds reasonable?

The oracles of my fantasies usually give me a glimpse into a parallel world where I feel more content, but am not satisfied with life. Let's face it: we will never be fully happy with what we have. If we had no drive or reason to live, we'd die. I ought to die. I got nothing left. I'm proficient at guitar and I owned all the Crash Bandicoot games. What's left? Am I just a bean of energy that lives only to burden the planet and everyone around me?

Oh, and, art fanatics, feel free to try drawing the girl I saw. I'll toss ya some 5k if you get it right...