Tuesday May 19th 2009
]~Let the light shine through~
Today I feel a burst of confidence. Something that is rare for me, yes, but still something I look forward to in everyday. Today, for the first time in a very long while- I have decided to push my comfort zone. Today, for the first time in my life, I gathered the courage to sing in frount of another person.
This acomplishment in itself sounds meager, i know. But none the less i have found more pride and self-worth in this one act then i have ever been able to show in my entire life.
I am distrusting. There is no way to sugar-coat that indefinite fact. I am afraid of letting people see me for who I am for fear of seeming vunerable. Though it is hard for me to admit that, I know through experiance that the only way to grow stronger is to see the strengths and weaknesses within yourself and put words to them. This is a lesson I hope to teach to all people worth the time and effort of self-growth. I have come to understand that I act stand-offish to most people upon first interaction because I am afraid to become attached. In the past, I have gone through great lengths to try to get people to like me. Through the pain of enduring fake friends and users, I now know that everyone has an inner dark side.
I have had many failed friendships due to over-trusting peoples words. When i was younger i though that if a boy told you he liked you, then he must actually like you or he wouldn't have said it. But this is far from reality. In truth, all people ahve a streak of darkness inside them. Everyone has a shadow they cast behind them, trying to hide it from anothers eyes. And just because a boy says he likes you, it does not mean he really meant it.
Do you understand, dear reader? Do you know of the inner darkness of the human heart? Have you seem it for yourself? Or are you still to gulible to realize a persons true colors? Now answer me this : Have you ever seen a persons true light?
Though everyone has an inner darkness, It is accompanied by an equal and oposite inner light. For the most part, it is easy to identify darkness. It is the light that can be hard to find. Why is that? It was something i had to learn through many experiances, and i may still be learning now. But now i want to tell you of my most resent experiance with the hearts inner light.
"....now where are they....?" I said to myself. It was lunch period at my high school, and I usually sit with my close aquantinces Celeste, Tawny, Raina, and Allie. However, today they were not at the usual meeting spot. Everyday we all met up under the clock-tower in the center quad area of school. I allways arived fashionably early to the usual spot because I dont buy lunch at school. Today, i waited alone for more than 15 minutes before I remembered they had sugjested we sit inside the cafeteria to eat today. I felt like an idiot for forgeting, but truthfully i was kind of glad to be alone. Everyday we ended up talking about the personal lives of other students, a subject I was never in the mood to discuss. I would rather sit by myself than spend my lunch time talking about who some skank slept with last night. Ughh...high school drama.... Anyway, when I had decided to stay at our usual spot alone today someone unexpected had seen me. His name is Koji.
(SIDE NOTE)Koji is one of the very few people in this world that I trust whole heartedly with anything. I have known him for a very long time and I respect him very much. Despite being a high school senior, he has a steady head on his shoulders. I have never heard him ever use a curse word or say any type of suggestive comment towards me. Its a miracle to actually find a boy capable of some self-restraint these days, but Koji is in a league of his own when it comes to courtesy and control. That is one sure reason why I respect him very much. Also, though it doesn't really matter, he is very handsome. Or so many people say. He is half japanese, Half dutch. He has light/pale skin with jet black hair and greyish eyes.(END SIDE NOTE)
I saw him out of the corner of my eye, and imediately stopped what I was doing because he was walking toward me with those curious, concerned eyes of his. I wasn't really doing much anyway, just doodling in my sketch-book like I allways do when im bored.
"Hello Arkelle. What are you doing here all by yourself?" He asked when he got close to where I was sitting
(UNFINISHED!!!!! I"LL TYPE THE REST SOON!!!)
