Hmph. . . I don't really know what I'm writing about so. . . whatever.
I kind of feel really needy lately. I feel like if I'm not with my friends I'm going to cry. I'm not sure if that's because I need my friends all the time or if it's because my friends are keeping me from being. . . like that. Emotional I guess.
Another thing is. . . . I feel like it's getting harder and harder to please people. I guess I know I don't have to make everyone happy. . . But I also don't want everyone to be unhappy with me either. That's probably why I get upset and beat myself up. It's just really frustrating. When your best isn't reaching everyone else's standards. Because when people say "Just do your best", that's not what they mean. That's not what it seems like to me anyway. It's more like "Be sure to amaze me". . . . again. Is that my fault? Did I set the bar too high for myself? Maybe I'm just done improving all together. That's probably it. Nobody should expect anything out of me because it seems like I'm just stuck. . . . . . . . . Pft. I don't know.
You know what else sucks? Unhappiness. It sucks alot. Y'know what sucks worse? You're friends being unhappy. Out of everything that makes me unhappy (which is alot lately considering how negative and emotional I am all the time), if my friends are unhappy I feel like I didn't do a good enough job as a friend to keep them from getting to that point of unhappiness. I know that people get disappointed sometimes and things bum 'em out but. . . when they're really unhappy. . . or just emotional and upset and start to think well. . . . like I do. . . . I don't know. I just hate seeing them that way. That doesn't mean I want them to hide it better. I want them to let it out and be able to come to me and know I'm there for them, but instead of me just being a statue you can talk to, I want to be able to actually help. I want to make you happy again and fix all your problems. . . . . . . I have no idea how to do that. . . but that's something I wish I could do (along with make new friends and be more outgoing).
. . .
Ugh. . . . Denise I dunno what I'm gonna do once you leave for college. You keep telling me not to worry about it and that you'll visit but. . . . eh. I hate sitting by myself at lunch. I mean. . . I could sit with the freshmen but it's not the same because I can't talk about the same things with them as I can with you, y'know? I can't complain to them and still expect them to still want to talk to me the next day. You're one of the only people that actually puts up with my s**t all the time. Summer break is also gonna be long and lonely. I'm sure Dee will have plenty of better things to do than sit at home so. . . .
. . . . . . . . . . so depressing.
"Oh yea, Amanda making friends is easy. You'll be fine." . . . . I don't believe that. If it's so easy, why is it that I only really have 2 friends? Heather doesn't even talk to me anymore because of all her new friends and her new wonderful life without me and everyone else is just. . . "Casual friends". Plus, the only reason Dee is my friend is because she knew you and you became my friend. Now she lives with me. Hah. Weird.
Bleh. . . . I hate these moods. These oh-so-frequent moods. I want to roll around on the floor and cry about nothing. . . . for a long time. And then go to sleep because it's the furthest I can get from everything. Then after that I want to bang my head against a wall because I was acting so pathetic. Then probably do something else to hurt myself for being so stupid all together. . . . And repeat. That's how these days go. I hate these days.
Well I guess I'll just wrap this up. . . I don't know why I always feel the need to "close" my journal entries. Does it really matter if the end is just cut off?
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