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If anyone wants to know.... i am going through a hard time in my life right now..... if i told yew wats going on.... u would feel bad for me. Life has been this cruel way as we know it now. It has been like this ever since our parents were kids. They just dont wanna tell us more about wats to be expected for 2 reasons: 1) they want u to figure it out on urself. 2) they dont want yew to suffer to know now because they enjoy seeing yew be so thrilled with life so they dont want to ruin it for yew, but it they dont tell yew, then eventually its gonna get to yew the hard way. So i suggest that u ask or talk about certain situations or problems ur having with the ones who have experience. otherwise.... bad things are going to happen and ur gonna have no clue why. in which... i know a few reasons to wat the asnwer to ur why ish. biggrin As yew wonder why i might not be online as often.... its not yew... it school. me and school is like a question mark eventually turning into and exclamation point after i absorbed all the info thoroughly well.

and for the ones who can txt me... well... i cant recieve txt's until 2 weeks from now... cuz.. i have my old cell phone which acts gay when it comes to txting. and for the people who call me....if i answer.. here are the reasons: 1)im stable in my emotions to actually say words. 2) i have nothing else better to do. 3) i am unsure who u are because ur number isnt in my address book but the number looks familiar.

reasons why i didnt answer: 1) i am crying 2) i have nothing to talk about 3) i am eating food 4) doing hw... even though i might end up answering yew maybe 5) im in the bathroom. 6)I AM NOT NEAR MY CELL AND BUSY DOING SOMETHING AS MY PHONE IS AWAY FROM ME.


my avi looks the way it looks because it expresses how i feel. yesh i am an angel (people call me that). yesh i want to kill right now. (by kill i mean be aggressive toward something or someone). yesh i wear a hat most of everyday and allmost all 3 of them i have are allmost completely black. yesh i have short hair and i lavish the colour geen and.. watevre else color my avi hair ish. yesh i luv purple and im not sure if i want to be human. my eyes are blind folded and barely peeking cuz.... well....im unsure who i am.. and if i ask everyone... they dont give me the right answer. at least.. not yet.

AND.... there was a certain reason i was known to be named "shiny" but now... okay for the few people (a.k.a.=mike, thomas.. all yew guys) yew can still call me shiny.. cuz it feels kinda awkward if yew dont mike. XD

idk who i am anymore... but my mom gave me a talk... sat me down... and... make me believe that all the times i am hyper,random and free spirited.... IS A HORRIBLE THING!!! AND THAT I SHOULD NEVER ACT THAT WAY AGAIN!!!

T.T i didnt take it well.... i cried like a baby.... i never cried so harsh b4. anywayz..... so... basically... i cant scream out "muffins" or "potatoez" or "omg its a poptart and its holyness of goodness"


i cant scream or say any of that stuff out loud. ITS A REALLY HORRIBLE BAD THING FOR ME TO DO THAT! why? cuz it attracts attention to the wrong people...

-.-


yeah so..... if im gonna live in this world.... apparently... I CANT DO ANYTHING BAD!!!

yeah so.. i have to re find myself again..... i have to change for the sake of my safety and... i cant act that way anymore. im too precious for anything bad to happen to me. -.-

Oh and... there is a i think... 30 yr old rapist who i think lives a few houses down away from me. so ... i have to be secluded in my room where in meaning... my room is the only place i can do alot of things without people hating for wat i do.


so now... i have to live life like... all over again and.... be NORMAL... and... i cant scream in my room.. i cant be loud in my room... i cant do anything loud. -.- -sigh- OH and... Im never changing my username. unless u give me an encouraging explanation to why i should put it back.



yeah so.. i cant be free. meaning... i cant be loud... i cant be random out loud...basically.... this world and society has taken over my life. oh and ~911~ has ruined my life too.
soo um... yeah...


any questions.. concerns or anything at all... just pm me or comment me..... and i know im not alone in this world..... but.. with people not accepting me for enjoying life by being all hyper and random and loud... well... i need to survive,and be safe. and apperantly if i do those things... im not safe. i would rather be safe than happy.





really now... after wat happened in my life so far... and then the things i CANT EXPRESS OUTLOUD anymore.....


Who am i going to become? (if im not fun to be around for a long while.. its because im trying to find myself and give myself lots of questions to answer so... i can find.... my new self/me.



*and i allways will still have this dream place of mine.... but i know.. its never going to exist in reality... only in my dreams. and actually... i had a dream of this place when i was a little girl... i had several dreams... but the last one i had... ended up being constructed down and i think... the owner of the place moved... and everything looked differently and.... there was nothing i could do about it. i had to see my dream place be torn down with my very own eyes.

life... people.. society...this world.. the devil.. god... school......


for all who are emo or want to be left alone.... i now know why u feel the things u do.


i now know a possible hypothesis to why prep girls act like they do and why there are few of them.. and yet... to one person.. there seem to be more. but.. who can be so sure now a days?

i still like the things i do and i enjoy the people i most cherish and care deeply about. because... its either.. i have them(and im not planning to make any more new friends.... at school or gaia.. yet) or i live alone and die alone. and if i become alone... its because i stopped thinking positive.

well watever happens...i am here on earth.... in cali. so....



if u read this whole thing...(or most of it) then that means u care deeply about me and u are bored. if u dont or didnt read this entire thing.... then obviously... i have wasted my time sitting in a chair doing nothing but talking to myself..... wow.... talking to myself.... ur probably thinking "how pathetic" when im thinking... "if u find it hard to trust people or dont wanna listen to them... then u would be talking to urself too" but... i only talk to myself cuz.... noone cares to listen to wat i have to say. they have better things to do then hear me ramble on about something thats not any of their problems. i want to see the others happy... so enjoy wat ur doing... as i am of probably no use anymore. i mean... why stay with someone who doesnt even know who they are or are upset everyday. a person like that is boring. so i guess therefore... i am boring... or soon to be probably. Well... i guess i used to be "entertainment" to the people who were bored and wanted to talk and have fun. so now... im not entertainment anymore.... leave me in the dust as i take the scatters of dust u left all over me to go have fun..... let me just sit here and watch u enjoy ur life as i try to learn or wonder how u do it.

i think... i am... either going to be or am slightly emo.


with the way i am talking.. sure seems like it. well.... i guess im off to go and observe more around me and write down in my diary how i feel about it all. im actually thinking about drawing more than anything instead. to draw how i feel instead of words.


people leave me to go have fun.... when in fact... im probably not gonna be as fun... idk yet. maybe i should just be alone and individual. why should i make people sooo unhappy by bringing the moment down as i have nothing much to say cuz all i would say is how miserable i am feeling and how.. everyone can live without me. why should they suffer to see something that takes the form of wat they truly enjoyed but is now nothing but an image and cannot do anything like b4. boring to be with me now huh? well.... give me time to recover. hopefully once i get back in church things should get better hopefully. I believe all gf's and bf's that say "i luv yew" to eachother... is lust! Lust! yep! thats wat i believe. im not that fun anymore. im not that happy anymore. seriously.. wats there to be happy about if i cant even live life how i want to?

its noticed that most of some negative feedback hurts REALLY BAD! and... u try to give out positive to make the negative try and go away.. but the negative is just to strong and seems to have more power. How i made the horrible bad negative things go away is simply by eating sugar and getting hyper and random and acting like a person who is on drugs to get hi. but i dont need drugs to do that. I have ADHD. and if i just have some coffee or candy or anything with sugar.... then my tears go away and i am waaaay so happy that i forget about the negative. =D allways works for me. But i cant do that anymore. so now... i have to think of another way to fix this problem. ITS GOING TO TAKE SOO MUCH THOUGHT AND TIME! -.-

its hard for me to be happy now.


and the true happiness in me comes from someone who reminds me of how much they care about me and make me feel special about myself. mike/brian/orders/shadz/Damian/tobi/daniel santana/missa/moco/Rachel-aka death and rasins/.... thats all i can remember. >.< and thats all who so far... helped me and.. make me feel.. wanted here... otherwise.... i might as well.... be alone and purposely ignore everyone.. cuz apparently... i cant handle relationships or life.. it would be soo tooo hard. but no. just as long as i have these people.... i have hope.....no matter wat happenz..... DONT LEAVE ME!! even if i leave yew.. DONT LEAVE ME!! PLEEEEEASE DONT! T.T ur my last and only hope this surving this world. i have nothing if i dont have yew guys... (and god) but i mean physically.

anywayz... until then.... i shall be... confused, lost, scared, emotional, and.. open minded. no matter wat.. i will allways be FOREVER OPEN MINDED!


im actually going to go to my diary and write down wat parts of me can stay and wat parts cannot? i only will cease to observe all around me and find an answer to only affect me more. cuz really..wat else better do i have to do? its probably not of my interest... only depending on exactly wat it is too.

ttyl. peace and.. take care. *Dont forget to ALLWAYS SMILE! For the sake of saving my life* idk... just thought....nvm.
*huggles all*



*i would highlight and color the most important things... but... i just ranout of time so gotta run*