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Wow,
I just went through all my old journal entries, from the time I was a free, close minded, ignorant child until the time I was an ignorant child in a relationship.
Now I'm no longer ignorant or closed minded and i'm still free...in a relationship where i'm content and more then happy to be in.
I could not believe how stupid I was. One day I would write how upset I was about being ignored and pushed aside by Tim and the next I would convince my self everything was okay. I was so stupid, I almost felt like crying.
Months of my life were consumed by pain and suffering, The last few months of that relationshit I was a wreck, I didn't want anything to do with anyone. i got so ******** up, I started getting panic attacks and I had to talk to counsellors all the time becuase I was so depressed, It's not like I could tell them about my relationship troubles.
I truly feel violated...today, I might be a more stable person if none of that happened, I might cry less over small things, I might be stronger. I was broken by him completely broken and it still hurts if I think about it enough.
It hrts knowing that computer games are more important then me, the person he supposedly loved. =3=
Would I make less mistakes if I had never been with him. Would I stop saying the wrong things if I had never been with him. Would I stop being hurt by the tiniest things if I had never been with him.
I'm lucky though...I had someone there who got me through it step by step and took me out of the stupid mind frame, holding on to what it USED to be like...and I realized that I couldn't linger in the past..so I finally broke free. Even so...I'm still broken, I'm still suffering from that pain he put me through. It never seems to leave me.
Slowly though and very lovingly, i'm being put back together, thankfully by someone who never once ignored me, who was and still is here for me. I don't know why I didn't realize him and me sooner. Better late then never. heart He cares for me and trets me like a princess and he is taking all those peices and putting them back together along with pushing the pain of the way with his loving and compassionate words and the little things that make me so happy.
And I think by deleting away all those words of pain I wrote...I sped up moving all that pain aside. Now I just need a giant hug.
 Guilt-na Doll · Sun Feb 22, 2009 @ 09:34pm · 0 Comments |
