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It's because I have nothing good to say. Having wasted my breath so many times before, it's not worth saying.
In an odd conversation, (which may involve passive hitting on me) a friend asked me if I ever had a boyfriend and when he heard my answer said it was because I was so quiet.
I smiled and chuckled but that was it. I couldn't prove him wrong. It's been like this all the time.
I remembered once I told my mom that she was putting too much pressure on me. (I was in the 2nd grade.) When she heard nonsense, I just didn't understand why she heard what she wanted to. Still, nothing has changed. I try to tell her things and she gets so angry and she's not listening to what I'm saying. She's hearing what she's heard on tv, thinking every other word has to be some sort of insult.
Also, I remember that a girl in church (I am 100% uncomfortable at church 98% of the time) I think, said she went to Haiti to do missionary work. I don't know what it was exactly called but she said that the women there were really quiet. I honestly didn't know how to respond to that since I haven't lived there for 15 years.
I've found that sometimes when I talk, it fizzles out and no one is interested in what I have to say. It's disheartening.
When something happens OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER. It's not worth it anymore. It's really not. The only time I can talk is to paper. Paper listens and only shows what you've written. It can't really hurt you, only if you've written something you'll later regret.
It is completely uncomfortable for me to be outgoing. I don't think it's torture but I only go out of my way to talk to someone if I feel I should or if I'm in an exceedingly good mood.
I've just gained this mentality that sometimes it's better not to utter a word...It hurts. It really does.
That accounts for some of the talking to myself but actually most of that is me thinking aloud. I've always reacted best to audio.
I guess I have my reasons. No matter how weak they seem to you.