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The voices... they screamed misguided conclusions... |
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(NOTE: This is written still in RP but is also intermingled with RL. razz )
November 8, 2004, 7:05PM
Location: Undisclosed.
Status: Slightly unstable mentally, determined.
Hasty really should be my middle name. I shut off all communication possibilities, yes, them all. The radio in which is frequently used to contact my whereabouts (MSN), shut off, the my magically stimulated mailing service (PMs) disconnected, and my presense in the guild, well... it's a little not there right now. Is it odd that I'm laughing? Yes I suppose it is.
They were taunting again... Not just Shatan again. The voices... they screamed misguided conclusions into my inner ear compelling and pulling my arms around in wild attempts at actions. They guided my every thought and soon I found that I had created a minor flip-out with a thought that did not exhist. "You upset them again, you stupid, stupid girl." Well that sure proved to be right, I'm being sarcastic.
I've spent my entire life worrying for other people. I went through the hell of finding Nameri, only to have him remain unfound, and seized the opportunity to freak out when it was uncalled for. I don't need comfort, I don't need support, I should be fine. No, journal, I am not saying that I am going to be fine, I mean I SHOULD be fine right now. I will be. I'm smiling right now as I sit among the gravel of the road jotting down these notes.
Free... From everything... I feel almost guilty. I shed my friends when they needed me most, I disengaged my support when it could have done wonders, and I even cut off the resource those in need could use to obtain my notice, (I didn't even mention that I was leavein, oh well), but yet I have yet to feel the guilt return. The peace is so overwhelming to feel the guilt. Maybe tomorrow.
I have given up my search for Nameri, he's on his own. Selfish you say? Well the voices agree with you if you think along those lines. I don't care, they can think what they want. Shatan is pleased with my attitude. You would think that this would bother me but at least one voice protecting my position against the others is enough to send shivers of happiness down my spine. It doesn't matter what the others think anyway... well not right now... I'm certain it will eventually... won't it? Either way that boy is still on his own.
My mission? I have none... none what so ever, and boy does the uncertainty in my mind feel bittersweet.
My reasons? I am in the lacking... very lacking, and boy does the unreasonablness send in the bliss.
My responsibility? There is none, don't even question me on that one. For tonight I have absolutly none. I owe no one anything, I don't even have to feel the guilt of what I have done. Let tomorrrow heal the wounds. I've let myself be hurt for the last time. I've done this to myself.
 Silent Flame · Tue Nov 09, 2004 @ 03:35am · 0 Comments |
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