Well, I'll be 20 in only 11 days. As if that wasn't bad enough. And I had my boyfriend telling me for months now that he can't visit me for my birthday, which I finally managed to accept. So I made other plans. I was gonna go on vacation with a bunch of class mates to the poland-ish coast of the baltic sea. But when I told my boyfriend about my plans, he told me about the surprise visit he's been planning for a while now. Which he surprised me on my 19th birthday, too. But I just can't believe he lied to me about not coming! Like he did last year! And I wasn't too fond of that either! But on the other hand I guess I don't even know just how extremely lucky I am to have such a caring, loving boyfriend... Like, so many of my friends suffer from relationships that won't even last a week! And we've been together for almost one and a half year now, but still... Without looking forward to moving in together I don't believe I could handle this much longer. But then again, I've had those feelings before...
It's the greatest trouble of a long distance relationship, after all: Not seeing each other for so long. Which also means that you never really get to know each other as intimately as you should... It's driving me mad, really. I miss his warmth, his touch, I miss messing with his hair and opening up the pimples on his face. I miss those few days that we share each month. Then again I'm afraid of knowing him too close, afraid that we could be too different to live peacefully together, even more so since every time we argue just a little bit it brings me down so much. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a relationship with an imaginary boyfriend, something I made up. And I believe that my imagination is part of our successful relationship. Which is sad.
So I feel like this entire thing is fixed on us moving in together, which feels so wrong in a way... I mean I gotta live on even after that! But then again it's me who feels like I couldn't go on without this dream, like our relationship was useless without this vision. And it makes me so sad that we just can't talk this all out, because... I just can't! Most of our conversations are just about every day stuff, what happened that day, about how much we miss each other. Saying "I love you".
I don't know what to do, really.
I just wanna learn to love him differently, the way he deserves it, because I'm not making things easy on him, really...
And I'll be 20. Damn!
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edit ( 6-2-08 )
He just read it. Noo!
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